I need an extra large rat trap.

Mousey, the office clerk, is driving me fucking up the wall today. Potty and I call her the Shuffler, because she shuffles when she walks. But it's not so much that she actually shuffles, it's that her hips are so wide and her ass is so flat that her pants are baggy around her ass and when she walks they make this terrible shuffling noise. I just hate it when she talks to me. She creeps up behind me all the time (which, I'm going to be honest, I keep looking over my shoulder to see if she's sniffing me). Usually I can hear her because of her pants, but sometimes I get so focused in what I'm writing that I tune out all noises.

Anyway, so she creeps up behind me today and puts like her finger on my shoulder as a 'tap' and says my name like she's being followed by a ghost with a bloody knife. I am NOT kidding you.

"ErRrrrrRRRRRrRRRrrriiiiiiiiiIiiiIiIIIkkkKaAAaAAAaAAAAAaaAA!?"

I turn around slowly with both my eyes rolled up in the back of my head. "Yes?"

She pinches her lips together and her nose moves back and forth like a mouse. "Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........... Can you help me change my ink cartridge?"

I look at her completely confused and I'm like, "What printer?"

She squints and says, "Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..... I think mine."

I'm thinking to myself..... HOW TO YOU THINK IT'S YOUR PRINTER. EITHER YOU KNOW OR YOU DON'T.

So I go in the back room with the screaming copy machine and her stupid printer. She hands me a cartridge saying she doesn't know how to put it in. I' m like, WELL FIRST YOU OPEN THE STUPID BOX IN COMES IN, THEN YOU REMOVE THE RED TAPE, TAKE OUT THE OLD ONE AND PUT THE NEW ONE IN THE OLD ONE'S SPOT. I mean. Someone that had a lobotomy could have done that.

I think to put it mildly, I am just sick of mousey. My mother actually think she looks one of the green fish on Dr. Suess' cover to "One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish." I sort of agree because I made this up, but now she doesn't agree that she looks like a mouse. But that's because my mom never talks to her, she doesn't physically see her nose moving back and forth like a mouse when she talks. But I wouldn't be surprised if she came from Whoville. I feel sort of bad making fun of this girl because she's actually jealous of her ugly younger sister who's 21 and has a baby. I figure if you're that naive and think that's what like should be like then you're an idiot, or you have a really fucking weird perspective on life. She once told me in confidence that she wishes she would have married her high school sweetheart and had a baby with him.


WELL I GUESS IT'S NOT IN CONFIDENCE ANYMORE.

Get over it. It's been 5 years.

But did I mention she's my age? She's 3 weeks older than I am. I'm going to be 23 this year. What the Hell is wrong with this girl? I bet you anything she'll be one of these women posting pictures on her child on her blog that she conceived via turkey baster.

Mousey just never does anything right and it pisses me off to high Hell. I am leaving work now. Maybe I'll have a life between now and when I'm back in 16 hours.