K. Fat & Monkey-Eyes.

Dom and I saw these two sacks of shit today at the Target in Woodland Hills while we were on a hunt for thermals. Kevin Federline and Victoria Prince or whateverthefuckhernameis walked right by us and Dom didn't even notice. I pulled him in and I was like, "Did you see that was Kevin Federline?" - and before he could even answer me he grabbed my arm, jammed me around the corner and we were basically eye to eye with them. Actually, because they are both a million feet tall and Dom and I aren't the tallest of peoples, I think I met Victoria at her pussy line and Dom was somewhere where her tits should be. I think out of all the celebrities I've seen (or pseudo-celebrities in this case), they are very different in person that I would have thought.

First and foremost, since when has Kevin Federline been tall? Did he take HGH or something? I know his bitch is like the size of a Sequoia, but since when is he just as tall as she is? I always thought he would be the type to stuff inserts into his shoes, stand on his tippy toes for photo-ops, or make her hunch over so they would appear to be the same height. Chubb-o is actually a tall man. I didn't know tall men made for good dancers (which - clearly by belt size, he hasn't done since he hit the jackpot by impregnating Britney with his dirty fat seed). Shows what I know. Us lollipop guild people have a skewed vision of the world. Secondly, holy shit the man is fucking fat. FAT. Not like "I wear big t-shirts because I wanna pretend I'm a gangster" fat but "I wear big t-shirts because I am a fucking fat ass" fat. Holy for sale by pound cow, he is huge. Gossip blogs, you have failed me in letting me know how fat he really is. I hope he and Eminem will soon find each other on a celebrity edition of The Biggest Loser.

I guess the most noticeable thing for me about Victoria prince is not that she looks like something I should hang ornaments from, but it's her creepy eyes. Her eyes look like my dog's eyes. They are perfectly round, small and beady. My mom and I always say Sierra has monkey eyes. This bitch had Sierra's same fucking monkey eyes. It's cute on a little monkey, it's kinda creepy on a dog because the expression is either "i want attention" or "i wanna bite" and nothing in between, but on a human, it's just creepy. Her eyes were accompanied with giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigantic DSL's which I somewhat expected. I guess if I were K-Fat I would forgive her for having the creepiest little monkey eyes in exchange to have full-time usage of her DSL's. She gives Jolie a good run for her money, especially since they don't have that injection-looking puff to it.

I guess the moral of this story doesn't exist - and I guess none of this shit I wrote even matters but it gave me something to write about before I went to bed. So now that talking about Kevin Fed'erfat has made me sleepy and somewhat nauseated, I guess I could wrap up this blog by saying fuck you all. And I still need thermals.