I don't want to do this.

There's something about putting shit off to the last minute until that final push that I'm strangely attracted to. I literally have a mountain worth of shit to do and I keep putting it off. I'll get it done, I always do and with excellence might I add... Minus my one linguistics fuck up but I blame it on being a drunk my entire birthday weekend. When it comes to papers, I feel like I need a royal slap in the face by a professor before I start putting REAL effort into them. I feel as though so long as my professors tell me that I'm the fuckin' shit and they honestly think I try, that I don't really need to do anything. I really need a professor to call me out on my bullshit before I finally give in. I'm sure I'll get a slap in the face sooner than later, but thus far it hasn't happened. Until then, I'll maintain the bullshit that I do now and be satisfied with it.

"I want her to look like a whore for her birthday"

Okay, this is the second weekend in a row I've been doing girly shit with Jocelyn and I'm totally over it. Neither one of us like doing girly shit but we've been doing it for our birthday weekends and preparing for Vegas so we've been out shopping and being completely retarded about it. Yesterday after my hike my dirty ass didn't shower and went straight to the mall. I think I smelled like a dead, rotten skunk and I'm positive I offended people with odors from all of my orifices and the verbal vomit spewing from my mouth didn't help my cause. I said terrible things and I'm pretty sure I made a few children cry but i don't really care.

I drank a lot on Saturday night to make up for not drinking on Friday. My problem is that I can't sleep off a hangover for the life of me. I always wake up at the crack of dawn wanting to do shit and then realize that no one around me is awake and that doing things while feeling the way I do probably isn't a good idea. Today was no exception and I woke up at some ungodly time and wanting to do shit. i forced myself back to bed and when i did crawl out i still felt like complete death and decided el torito brunch sounded good.

I've pretty much been in a zone since... Oh well.

4:40 am?

Somehow I managed to avoid my research paper all night and work on math. I have a new found love for math and a new found hatred for research papers. I think it's because I'm supposed to be on spring break and instead I'm working on school shit when I'm supposed to be on break from it. I majorly disappointed myself when it came to my linguistics midterm. Granted I skipped two chapters of reading, skipped 10 questions on the test, had a whole weekend to study (my birthday weekend) and didn't crack open the book and still managed to pull a solid C almost a damn B on it. Thankfully my papers and other quizzes keep me afloat or else I would be totally compelled to commit suicide if there was nothing other than these horrible tests to be graded on. So, now at 4:40 in the morning after however many red bulls and cups of coffee throughout the day I finally feel awake. It's strange, really. I was passed out, completely dead asleep and squeezed between my two loves when suddenly my brain clicked on. Now I'm wide awake and WANTING to do work but prefer to lay here and blank out and ramble on my blog. I've missed my blog... I feel like I have time for nothing other than bitching about school work rather than actually doing my school work. I set aside a large amount of time to focus on school work and I always end up doing everything at the last minute. I just hope I don't drag on this research paper until the last minute. I know I always focus and do my best work last minute, but the point is I can't rely on my superpowers to work every single time. It's a matter of trucking along and getting it done. What I really want is a severe addiction to adderall so that I can become even more superhuman than I already am. Sadly I've never taken adderall but I know that I'd probably love it.

In travel news, I may or may not be going to Europe. I've had a bug up my ass to go to Peru for over a year now. I don't know why I'm so drawn to Peru - Cuzco/Machu Picchu and the Amazon Basin for the Floating Market. This must be the anthropologist in me. Anyway, Peru's also a short jump to Bolivia... To see Salar De Uyuni, something I've been dying to see for a long time now. So, dependent on who will come with me, I may be headed to South America to climb Machu Picchu and go through a 4 day expedition through Bolivia. Blake bought me a book on Peru for my birthday because he's awesome and I literally can't put it down. All I do is try to organize this trip in my mind and because of it I'm completely over Europe at the moment. I've been to Europe twice in the past year and a half... I mean, some people never go in their lifetime. I'm perfectly fine not going for a 3rd time in less than 2 years. I figure if I go to South America now (although it's winter, it's high season for Peru because it's dry season for hiking/climbing and seeing the Amazon), I can probably go to Europe in the fall... I'm also going to try to save so next summer I can travel through Asia for a month. All I know is that I've dedicated my life to school and travel and I'm driving my parents crazy. They're funding (most of) my travels because they want me to life they way I should have been living it so many years ago and they're the most supportive parents on the planet. So, in a way I'm glad they didn't buy my ticket for my birthday when they wanted to. I asked them to wait based on the fact I have friends saving up for a trip and I didn't want to fly alone again. 13 HOURS WORTH OF FLYING ALONE SUCKS... So dependent on who is coming with me, I may end up traveling through Peru, Bolivia and Chile. I'm almost positive my friend Jamie will be coming with me but I need to sit down with him and figure out dates when we can go. I will have everything planned by the end of April, but for now everything's up in the air. All I can honestly think about is my insane attraction to Machu Picchu and how drawn I am to South American culture and cuisine. Granted I won't complain if I end up back in Europe... I'll see different parts this time and also visit my family in Madrid. It's just up in the air, that's all.

Oh, and I'll be in Vegas next weekend. I hate Vegas but I'm going for one of my best girlfriend's birthday and she's never been. I figure everyone needs a Vegas experience at some point in their lives and I'm willing to be drunk with her for a weekend in Vegas. It's pretty sad because I literally am thinking of the money that will be spent while I'm there and I'm thinking of all the other shit I can do in another country with that money. People that SERIOUSLY enjoy Vegas are a complete waste space to me and I usually do not get along with said Vegas goers. I guess if you're able to wipe your ass with thousands of dollars then I guess Vegas can be fun. I don't know. I could never seriously waste money there. Ever. I'd rather be suffering through turbulence over the middle of the Atlantic and scared out of my mind than wasting money in Vegas. I guess when one loves their friends, one is able to unbitch themselves for a few days and enjoy it for what it is: a money pit filled with free drinks. I guess Vegas is also not conducive to my sobriety, but whatever. I don't have a problem just yet, so, fuck it.

I'm almost positive I'm half dead.

Today at work I almost fainted several times. My body has muted me and right now is the opportune moment for someone to rape me because I'm unable to scream for help.

I'm such a damn mess but I guess I'm okay with that if I keep allowing it. So long as I get my work and school shit done I don't care what I do with my free time.

My birthday weekend was nothing but alcohol, caffeine, lack of sleep, entirely too much food, great company and lots of love. By far the best birthday I've ever had in my entire life and thank you to all of you that made it so special.

St. Pat's.

While the rest of you assholes were drinking green beer, I was at work - then school (and sleeping in my car for an hour) - then meeting for my honors class (because additional homework and papers requires MEETINGS!?!?!?) - now home and reading.

So, fuck all of you that got hammered. NOT ME. It's ok. I have all weekend.

Fucking kids.

Today I decided I hate kids... By kids I mean 18-21 that are ADD as hell or just fucking creepy. Minus Jimmy. Jimmy is my little baby that I want to take home and hug, squeeze and rename George.

I suppose everyone in my linguistics class felt just as unprepared for the test as I feel... Because my space-case professor said to the class, "When's our midterm again? Thursday?" (we're severely behind the dates on the syllabus) and some kid yells "TUESDAY!" and no one corrects him. Some other kid chimed in and said, "Yeah, Tuesday!" So my professor says, "Oh, okay, I guess we'll go over the chapters today and Thursday."

So, in a way I'm relieved that I have an additional weekend to study. Unfortunately it's my birthday weekend and I have plans all weekend. I might not do anything Friday and just stay home and study, so Saturday and Sunday (my actual birthday, big dinner with some friends and family) I can enjoy my birthday.

Woohoo, I'm gettin' fuckin' old.

I want drugs.

This is the face of 3 hours of sleep, a hangover and mostly rubbed of mascara and eyeliner. I forgot to mention earlier that I followed up the aforementioned play with booze. I also keep passing out with my head on my keyboard. It's no longer funny. My linguistics class is going to be the death of me, I think. The material is fucking boring as Hell and if it were not for the fact that I write well I would probably be failing this class. I haven't missed a class. I haven't missed an assignment. I've done everything I've needed to do and I'm holding an A but I feel a mental breakdown coming because I literally hate being there and am struggling to read the material because I often have suicidal thoughts and eye-gouging fantasies while doing so. I officially understand why this class has a 50% drop rate and I will not add to that statistic. I'm going to be the little engine that could and be my normal awesome self but I probably should start sleeping more and putting in REAL effort rather than blanking out.

My parents bought this new couch a month ago or so that is really deep and comfortable... I'm pretty sure I died a few times while laying on it today. I literally begged my dad while in my sleep to make me coffee otherwise I was going to die of cardiac arrest because there wasn't enough caffeine in my system to keep me going. He brewed the coffee and then didn't bring it to me, so then my mom the awesome little barista fixed it up and brought it to me. I then guzzled it down, spaced out again and suddenly I had another cup of coffee in my face from my dad. After cup 2 I woke up and now here I am... Blogging.

I want a meth addiction. It might be easier for me to stay awake with one.

Hm.

Last night I saw a play with cast of four at a tiny theater in Studio City. The stage was like 15 feet long, if that. It was literally no budget - a couple of boxes as props to jump up and down on. It was interesting to say the least... But the most interesting part was that the lead male character was KEVIN RICHARDSON FROM THE FUCKING BACKSTREET BOYS. How the HELL does one go from playing sold out concerts around the globe in gigantic arenas in front of tens of thousands of people to a no-budget play in front of 30 people?

Anyway, while getting ready I was playing with my hair since it was stick straight and I looked at myself and was like HOLY SHIT, I LOOK LIKE ME CIRCA 2003, so I took a picture... It's funny because when I was 18-19 I used to take these high contrast photos and this photo looks just like the ones I used to take. It's because I had like 1928319283 lights on in my room, and this lamp I stole from my dad (it's SO bright and awesome for my readings) was on so it really washed out everything. I now feel like writing X's on my hands and bashing non-edge people just to make it authentic. The point to this picture is that I've been debating cutting my hair again but I know if I cut it I'll just be a miserable bitch about it. I'll play with it some more before I figure it out.

WHAT. I want a grade!

The only problem I have with very liberal professors is that they grade on credit or no credit basis. Being that she put brackets all over my page and would write VERY INFORMATIVE, GOOD REFERENCE, GREAT INTERPRETATION all over it - I'm pretty sure I would have gotten an A.

Dear Self:

Your less than 2 hour worth of work paper came out awesome.

Alcoholism ensues,

Self

Boozing and Laziness: 2
Sobriety and dedication: 0


TIME TO CELEBRATE.

Oui, oui.

I'm almost positive my lack of sleep is starting to catch up with me. I'm willing to bet my eyes are about to roll out of their sockets and tuck themselves away in my sheets because they're really fuckin' tired.

Today I had 4 shots espresso and 32 ounces worth of red bull. Amanda told me earlier tonight that I'm going to die. I figure if meth addicts are plentiful and not dying in vasts numbers, then I'm not going to die just yet. In good news, I'm kicking ass at life and I officially do not have any jeans that fit me anymore. Too bad I'm too cheap to go shopping for new pants. I'd rather wear pants that don't fit so my whole ass hangs out. I also stopped wearing underwear all together and my vagina feels liberated. The whole "lookin' like a foo wit yo pants on the ground" thing + lack of undies is going to get me in serious trouble one of these days. I might get arrested for indecent exposure and that will be a fun story to tell my future kids I will probably CTL + ALT + DELETE. I guess I will have to talk them talking through the mason jar.

Also, I'm going back to Europe for 3 weeks. I'm leaving June 20th and will be back July 12th. My aunt + cousins from Virginia will be in Paris with some school tour thing and my dad and mom want to meet my aunt's husband there for the last part of their tour. We'll be in France for a week and then we're flying to Spain. My good friend Tosha is coming with me (I was at her house today and her sister said she'd pay for her WHOLE trip, how AWESOME is that!?) - So we're going to be in Spain for a week to see my other cousins (and my cousin Carmen will be having her 2nd baby when I'm there!) and Tosha and I will be extending out our trip a week or two and we're going to hostel it up either in Portugal or Germany or who knows. We're yet to figure out those details as we just planned France and Spain with my family. All I know is that she and I plan on being hammered the entire time and acting like whores in youth hostels. Awesome. She and I will figure out the rest. Either way we need to find our way back to Paris to catch out flight back to the US. My parents paid for my airfare this time because they love me... And I love them for being so fucking awesome.

This is my life, and I'm living it one minute at a time.

I'm so ADD.

I hate linguistics. I really, really, really, REALLY, REALLLLYYYYY hate linguistics. I can read all my other readings for my other classes no problem, I can sit there and do math for days (and I hate math) --- but when it comes to this linguistics class, I swear it almost takes a gun being held to my head for me to get anything accomplished. I have 100+ pages of reading to do and I figure that because I have an A in this class thus far that I have the ability to slack off. Well, I guess I do, I'm pretty awesome to say the least - but I seriously hate just being in my room for hours and hours STARING at the same page and completely blanking out on it. If it were not for the fact that I drink red bull and/or coffee like there's no tomorrow, I would be asleep the moment I opened up the book. I fall asleep with my head in this book all the time. My pages are starting to curl and wrinkle from me drooling in it while I take a nap.

With that said, I think I'll go drink a red bull and attempt my reading again. fuck this.

Wings.

I'm pretty sure that I have an addiction. Oh wells. Back to reading I go.

Waking up drunk.

Last night was one of CJ's going away parties that we had here at my house. I still can't believe my brother is leaving me for Kentucky. Thankfully Jessica's family lives out here and CJ still has family out here (besides me and my parents) so he'll be out here a lot to visit. I'm hoping to go and visit them in the late spring/early summer. Ahhh. Depressing that he's leaving but I'm happy for him. Anyway, it was so fantastic to have all the "old crew" together - it's like we're one big happy family again. CJ brought a ton of booze like usual. I don't know how it happened but I ended up getting completely hammered off of like 5 or 6 beers. Mike looked at me and was like, "I SEE YOU DRINK ENTIRE BOTTLES OF WINE AND NOT GET THIS HAMMERED!" I'm not sure what BS excuse I gave him, but I'm sure it was probably something awesome. When I'm drunk I find great logic in my stupidity. I recently became a fan of GETTING AWESOME instead of drunk on Facebook, so I suppose that had something to do with it.

I don't know what time I ended up going to bed. I wish I would have looked at my phone to see how many hours of sleep I'm missing from my life. This morning I woke up at the crack of dawn to hit up the Fisherman's market. God, that was simply amazing. Apparently the tuna boats only come in to the harbor once a month or something like that so it's a big deal when they're there. I ended up getting (fresh & sushi grade) Big-Eye Tuna, Opah and live shrimp. It's a rarity to find Opah, much less sushi grade. I literally almost shit my pants when I saw it available. Everyone's like WHAT'S OPAH and I'm like JUST KNOW IT'S NOT TUNA SINCE YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR FISH and yeah. I have Opah. Fuck yes. It was also really friggin' awesome to watch the fisherman filet the fish on the boat. I've never seen that before so that was really cool to see. I think everyone should see that. I wish I could have gone down and done it myself but they wouldn't let me... Liability reasons. lol.



Soooo... after the Fisherman's market we all went out to breakfast. I ordered corned beef and hash and it tasted like dog food. What's the worst dog food out on the market? Because I'm pretty sure that's what they gave me. I figured since this restaurant was full of old and cranky fisherman that I better not bitch and just have my liquid breakfast...

Fantastic morning. :)

The difference.

Someone please explain to me the difference between posting a picture of myself laying on my bed in my underwear versus me posting a picture of myself in a bikini? Is a bikini the sole conservator of "appropriate" skin exhibition? What constitutes a bikini? Must a bikini be of a certain material containing obnoxious patterns? Wherein lies the difference between underwear and a bikini aside from the material itself?

Just wondering.

Riddle me this.

Who's up at 1:30 am, fucking around and has a few more pages to write before I can go to sleep?

Oh, me.

I love pressure. I'm going to ace this son of a bitch paper anyway. Might as well make my life just a smidgen more difficult just to say this kicked my ass.

The calm before the storm.

I don't know what happened with me today.

I got 100% on my linguistics paper. My professor used my paper as an example to the rest of the class on good paper writing in the future. I'm not sure whether to feel honored or stupid, because I wrote it in 4-slack off hours. I tried writing it the night before but it wasn't enough pressure I guess. My mind was somewhere else the night I attempted writing it, so I waited until 10 am the following morning to write it. My class is at 2:15 pm. Since I slacked off, either I am brilliant or the rest of the class (this is an honors contracted class) is made up of fucking idiots. I'm going to go with fucking idiots because there's absolutely no way that paper was perfect. I'm pretty sure I had a couple of grammatical errors on it but I guess that didn't matter.

After class I met up with Jocelyn and played with the Lewin boys at FYH. Amanda came and surprised us and that made me happy beyond words. I'm like a little puppy and start wagging my tail furiously, knock over stuff and squat to pee when I see her, it's sort of sick and hilarious all at the same time. I spent 3 hours sitting at the bar drinking coffee - and i'm pretty sure that 9-10 cups of coffee in that short amount of time is eventually going to give me an aneurism one of these days. At least I will be in good company when it happens, right? I love Jason and Ryan dearly. They're probably the funniest guys on the face of this planet. They're like this dynamic duo of brotherly hate-love and it's so fun to watch them talk shit to each other all while in the name of good fun. I'm pretty sure I scared all the customers away at some point but that's not uncommon. Jocelyn almost peed herself again and I'm starting to believe it's a recurring event and it's fantastic that I have the ability to make one piss on themselves without actually trying to get them to squirt in a sexual way. Let me just clarify that I don't do the whole squirt thing. If that's your soup du jour, that's fine, I'm not here to judge. I just don't find pee attractive.

Suddenly, I get home and it's like a shit storm breaks out and no one is here to instigate it other than my own brain. I'm pretty sure my caffeine high got the best of me because I'm positive that at least 3 people won't be talking to me again, none of whom I care about in real life - I just feel badly about biting their heads off because they can't read plain English. One person I was particularly mean to and I should probably apologize to him because he's not aware that a majority of the things he writes can be misinterpreted easily. I guess ignorance is bliss when you're the blissful one. He deleted me from facebook and he thinks I'm the most terrible person on the planet. By all means, he's right... There's no doubting that. I know he reads this blog so here's a message: I know it has been a while, but I want my bra back and I still have your pants - Soooo... Ya. About that. Let's swap... Then you can go about hating me. :)

I guess I've slacked off enough now. I'll continue writing my paper that I have no interest in.