I miss bird flu.

I'm sick of people talking about swine flu. People are now scared of pork products and they're not sure why but they know something called swine flu is going around and somehow they related it to the deliciousness that is bacon. For some reason the condemnation of bacon deeply hurts me where it counts (my stomach). If the whole world goes crazy I will gladly eat all pork products that will be thrown out until I'm given a heart attack and die of morbid obesity with more fat in my veins than blood. Now THAT is an awesome death.

I need a jogging partner.

Blargh. It's almost May and I'm over the cold. Completely over the cold. If I wanted cold, I'd go back to Switzerland and at least have beautiful, cotton-like snow to play in as my company. What happened to the heat wave we had? Was that some sort of a sick joke? I feel like I know what blue balls feels like. It felt like that heat came and went and I'm reminded of the time when this kid had an American Pie moment and I really don't want to go there but it was a let down. I am let down, frustrated and craving more heat. For fuck's sake, I'm Cuban. I want tropical heat. Give me hot, muggy, mosquito-filled, clothes-sticking weather. I'll also take some coconut trees, banana trees, warm sand and waveless water. Combine that with a joint and a bottle of dark rum and I'll be in heaven.

Working out in the cold sucks. The reason why is because EVERYONE ONE IN THE GOD DAMN UNIVERSE FINDS IT FUNNY TO SLAP MY ASS. Well, the issue with slapping my ass
"because it's just RIGHT THERE" in my god damn spandex work out pants is because it fucking hurts. Believe it or not, that big pile of fat you would like to call your pillow actually has some nerves in it that FEEL PAIN. It feels like I'm being stabbed with millions of icicles and it makes me want to stab everything and everyone around me within a 500 yard radius.

As my final warning to everyone that reads this, if you come near my ass when it's less than 75 degrees out I will cut off your arms, rub them in salt and lemon, sew them back on slowly with a rusty needle and then nail you to a cross.

Sometimes people just want to be left alone to their own devices.

I have been pretty unbelievably boring as of lately. I literally have absolutely nothing to blog about. The only thing new in my life that I've discovered is Twitter and within a few day's time I've already created enemies. Apparently stupid shit I post annoys people that don't even know me. I guess that's satisfying.

My only semi-accomplishment in the past few days is when I gave a piece of advice that worked. Today I told her my method to solving it was looking for "a solution that works with minimal effort."

Aside from that, I've done nothing spectacular and have no photo-worthy hikes. I did a quick hike in Oak Park which was essentially me crawling hand and knee straight up a 90 degree mountain followed by my legs melting off.

Maybe tomorrow I'll do something blog worthy. I wish the weather was a bit warmer so I could go sailing and not freeze on the water. I'll probably end up going hiking or running. You'd think by now that I'd weigh nearly nothing, but I'm still a fat ass. I should probably get a cocaine habit if by July I'm not thin again.

Solstice Canyon.

Today Katie, Dom and I went on Malibu's famous Solstice Canyon "hike." It's not really a hike, its more like a nature walk since there's no up-hill, down-hill, bouldering, unkempt trails or areas that make you question why you're there in the first place. It's a paved road, followed by a long dirt path that at one point I could have easily mistaken for the tarmac at LAX.

There was a girl there that must have been "at one with nature" because she literally walked up with her tiny toy poodle behind us, stripped herself of her clothing minus a bikini that looked painted on and went for a swim under the waterfall... Which this time of year isn't much of a waterfall and the water below it is very slow moving and in some parts totally stagnant. The water was filled with mosquitoes, those other bugs that just hang out on to of the water that look super creepy, a million tadpoles and frogs. lots and lots of frogs. I guess if she doesn't mind the possibility of a tadpole swimming up her vagina, then good for her. She was just weird and I don't know how to better explain that SHE WAS WEIRD.

Aside from the creepy hippie chick, the walk is really beautiful. At the end of the trail there's a 30 foot water fall which is pretty. It's on the property of the "Roberts," which was built in 1950 something and burned down in 1982. Among the house ruins are like 12381029831092830912830982038 fireplaces which are still standing. It must have been a really awesome house at one point in time. The walk way to the waterfall and the little chapel or whatever it was pre-fire is really neat. It's like a little hidden gem in the Malibu hills.

Madness.

Last time I blogged I said that my blogs suck now because I'm too tired to write anything worth while. The same still applies. It's amazing how getting off my fat fucking ass can change my semi-decent blog postings so radically. Instead of the normal ranting, raving, bitching, complaining and whatever else I normally do, you are all reading what's somewhat like a work out blog without the work out details.

Katie and I are still doing it. We're still eating healthy (or at least somewhat healthy) and spending numerous amounts of hours a day being active. The goal is to be able run around in the nude in San Sebastian or Nice this summer... Since we're pretty much spending a month running around between Spain and France. So, let's see how awesomely sexy I look by August. Which probably means I won't look awesome or sexy (I don't think I can anyway?) but whatever.


Aside from my normal bullshit, one of my bestfriends leaves for Prague tomorrow and I'm insanely jealous. The great thing about him leaving for Prague is that he decided to go with my Boo Boo today to go buy some insanely expensive camera which has like 928391827391873 megapixels or some nonsense... Which means that when he comes to Europe with us for the month of August, I can count on him and Dom taking really rad pictures and I won't need to bring a camera.

Other than that... My life is not exciting. Oh - and as soon as I get to my goal weight I'm starving myself for 48 hours so I can nose dive into a stack of blueberry pancakes. That's a great way to celebrate, right?

Ladyface.

I finally hiked Ladyface. I even found the geocache and signed my name. For that awesome accomplishment, I treated myself to a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie from Bristol Farms.

Also, I know my blogs have been lacking in substance lately. It's because I've been too damn active and everything hurts. It makes it difficult to think and type when my limbs feel like they're going to fall off. I guess I'll have to smoke a joint or eat a space cake sometime this week and write something of value.

We're still doing it.

Somehow Katie and I have kept up this work out routine nonsense. We've been looking for fun ways to keep up the routine and get in shape, so for the past few days we decided to join Dom, his brother and friends/crew/-whatever the fuck it's called now- in a game or two of basketball. Incredibly, my shortness hasn't gotten the best of me. It's not like we REALLY play a game of basketball, otherwise it absolutely would. We play "3-2-1" which is some bullshit game of counting backwards and shooting it in the basket and pushing each other around like a bunch of apes but hey, it makes me sweaty and tired so clearly it's at least some cardio work.

For now, I will continue dreaming about swimming in buckets of fried chicken with biscuits and gravy. I'm really craving those awesome biscuits i make.

fuck salt.

Jello Legs.

So in an effort to be in good shape again, Katie and I have been dieting and working out. Today we asked Dom to take us on a hike since he's Mr. Super Athlete. He said to me, "What kind of hike do you want to go on?" So I replied, "One that will kick my ass." I never thought for a minute, not for a nanosecond that he would take me bouldering over a stream that I never knew existed. The hike reminded me of the Bear Joke my Dad used to tell everyone. Now that I am an old sack of shit, I now realized that it probably wasn't the most appropriate joke to tell me when I was a kid (not that he told ME, but he'd tell his buddies when I was around). Anyway. There's a line in the joke that goes, "Through the meadow, through the trees, over the mountain, across the river, over the rocks." That was me today. Minus I went over the rock on the steam rather than in it. Katie and I complained a lot about our aches and pains, but we had fun. I manage to use my upper body strength and climb up a chain that someone placed for other hikes to use to go up a portion of a rock wall. I also managed to not slip in water, however, there was a mighty big drop from one boulder to another and I scraped up the side of my right calf. I avoided a lot of poison oak, I didn't get bit by fireants although they were everywhere, I did not get eaten by a mountain lion (which Katie was very scared of) and overall I am extremely proud of myself that I didn't need to call 9-1-1 because I broke something in the middle of a rock canyon.

Tomorrow I plan on taking it easy and sitting out in the marina on the boat for some night fishing. I better catch a halibut now that I've done some extensive research on catching the fuckers.

Hunchie McHunch.

I wish I had something to complaint about. As it turns out, I've been a lazy bum lately and instead of being a beach bum I've been a boat bum. I've been spending more time on my friend Mike's boat than I have doing anything of any significant value. My face is turning a nice shade of black from being out in the sun so much but I guess I'm okay with having a face 20 times darker than my body.


The only thing I have to share is that I frequent this one message board on MySpace because a good friend of mine IRL runs it. [YES, I said IRL] - Anyway, so there's this topic about how much would you spend on a pet for a vet visit and what's your limit before you say goodbye and blah blah and this one chick that looks exactly like Quasimodo posted how she spent nearly a grand on her pet chicken that had like smallpox or some fucking weird thing like than then spent 3 months "rehabbing" it.

I replied to her and told her for me to consider spending a grand on a pet chicken would only be if it layed golden eggs. And the only other circumstance where I'd spend a G on a chicken if it Bobby Flay made it for me and then followed that with him eating my pussy for an hour.

Sometimes I just don't understand the crazyness in this world. No wonder I am either a total recluse or out on the ocean.

Hey mambo, mambo italiano.

Tonight is the night of sex chat. Not in the sense of, "Oh baby, what are you wearing?" but in the sense of, LET ME TELL YOU EVERY LAST ANAL LICKING DETAIL OF MY SEX LIFE AND I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ALL MY CUM DROPPING WAYS. What's better is that it's totally entertaining because even though I do not have a penis I'm sure if I had one I could work it better than a majority of my guy friends. Sometimes I wish I did just so I can show a majority of them what they're doing wrong when they fuck, and then they wouldn't get kicked to the curb so often. Guys like to talk a big game like they're dicks are a gift from God but really, if you don't know how to use it, then you might as well chop it off and pickle it. You're better off serving it with a side of coleslaw than pretending like you can bone-down.

"You gonna get blaaaasted!"