How to write a SEX WANTED advertisement for your friend... Just don't let her know about it.

Okay, let’s just be honest here.

I’m looking for a friend with benefits for my good friend. She’s in serious need of some dick and I’m not going to let her call up old flings. There’s a whole world out there of new dick she needs to experience. She works full time and goes to school full time, which makes it hard to find time to go out and meet guys other than the skinny science nerds that dont know how to take off a bra or the bad pick up line creeps she works with. My friend literally has ZERO time to meet guys, or in this case, guys with any fucking (literally) potential. When she’s got some free time, she’s certainly not out at bars looking for some cock. If anything, she's probably munching my rug but that's not something that involves you or something you will ever experience for yourself, so don't ask if two twats are available for the fucking.

Back to the point... Being the good friend that I am, I promised my friend I’d find someone for her to fuck a lot so here I am posting an ad on Craigslist, as strange and unethical as this is. Thankfully, Craigslist is like Eharmony for whores and I want my friend to be a whore. This should be a good match, right?

So, here’s the deal. I’m going to interview you in person. We’ll meet at a coffee shop or somewhere local (to Woodland Hills) and I will get to know you for her. If I dig you, she will probably dig you (and not a grave). You and I need to know each other so it’s not all awkward and creepy when I take you to meet her. Remember, I NEVER picked you up off of Craigslist. We know each other from work or something. Got it?

About her:

She’s half Mad Scientist and half Sexy Dominatrix Kitten, although I think those percentages are screwed up because she's definitely mixed with Man-Eater, Innocent School Girl and Prostitute. I capitalized all of those because they are all breeds of bitches. She’s like the good girl gone bad, but in the best way possible. As for her looks, she’s 5’6-ish, beautifully hour-glass shaped with gigantic tits that don't sag down to her stomach, long brown hair she could use as bondage rope, naturally tan (so don't worry about color rubbing off on you) and has a big mouth for good conversation and I’m assuming blow jobs (I don’t have a dick, so I wouldn’t know). She’s also kinda got the hippie vibe to her without being dirty and crazy and she’s also a vegan but is NOT by ANY means a bible-thumping vegan. She doesn’t judge people based on eating meat. But either way, she’s hot and probably 124897219487219847 hotter than any real person that ever existed on Craigslist.

What she likes:

SMART guys, preferably guys into science since she’s a science nerd. Guys that are either vegan/vegetarian or vegan/vegetarian friendly. In other words, don’t try to convince her to eat meat (unless it's tube steak). Tattoos/Piercing = a-okay. The more you have probably means the more fucked up your are in the head, and I think she dig a little (a lot) of crazy (in bed, that is). Less pretty and more scruff, which means that if you could be mistaken for a girl when the lights are off, that's just not sexy.You MUST have transportation, otherwise you're useless and will probably be late to everything that is horny. MAJOR turn off, really. It doesn’t matter what you drive, so long as you're available shortly after the phone rings. A funny, fucked up sense of humor is a must. If you don't like dirty jokes, bad jokes, inappropriate jokes or are monotone, just fuck off.

What she DOES NOT like:

Lard asses. If you are pushing XXXXL and are more width than height, no thank you and stop eating McDonalds. If you have hair covering a majority of your body and you can’t control that you are part man-wolf, DO NOT reply as shedding like a rabid beast is not sexy. If you are not funny and cannot take a joke for the life of you, do not reply under any circumstances and make your way to a whore house where you will have better luck. If you love Jesus, Mary, Joseph and everyone else that never existed, do not reply and make your way to church for your dirty sins by being on Craigslist. If you have weird fetishes that involve piss, poop, animals or objects not found in a sex store, please do not apply and please seek help.

REQUIREMENTS FOR THE INTERVIEW:

MUST be within a short drive of Woodland Hills. MUST include a photo (many preferred) in your e-mail. PLEASE write back with SOME sort of response to this. Anything generic like, “single, male, tiny penis and boring” will not get a reply.

This is 100% for real. I need to get my friend laid before she rapes me in my sleep.

1 week and 4 days.

At 5 something in the morning, it's hard to get creative.

This evening my friend Amanda and I decided to do a late night dirty soy chai run. Somewhere in my twisted fuck-up of a brain I decided at 11:00 p.m. that a quad venti soy chai would be a good idea. Well, after a case of the rambles followed by shakes with some intermittent studying, I finally fell asleep at 3:00 a.m. Shortly thereafter I was rudely woken up by my boyfriend with a case of the sleep-rapes and now I am back to being wide awake with an unexplained and rather annoying itch to ramble to the world on a conversation topic we had. That topic being SALAD TOSSING.

Triggered by a funny event, Amanda looks at me and says something along the lines of, "WHO IN THE HELL THOUGHT OF THE SIMILARITIES OF SALAD AND ASSHOLE."

I look at her, being my normal fucked up self and say, "It all started with a single dingleberry."

See, after doing some research on the definition of salad tossing, I learned that the term came from the prison community and it used when a member of the prison yard, normally one of lower ranking, eats out the asshole of a higher-ranking prisoner and covers said asshole with salad dressing to "cover up the taste." Clearly I'm not a prisoner and I have thankfully never been to prison, but how does this whole ranking business work? Do you have a certain quota of asshole eating before you can step up a rank? Is it like Farmville where you earn XP points and graduate to the never level? Each time you graduate, you get more cool stuff and more boys eating your asshole and the less you end up eating? Who developed this hierarchy of prison systems anyway? Whatever it was and whomever it was, I don't get it and I suppose I never really want to, although that would be an interesting topic to do a paper on from the etic perspective. Albeit interesting, I don't think that'll ever come up for me in the nutritional anthropology field, although I'm sure that could be argued and I'm clearly not the person to do so.

For some reason, I feel as though that people in prison would have super clean assholes. Because if prison rumors are true, there's a lot of gay shit going on all the time and you wouldn't want to be passed around as a lower member of the prison and everyone talking about your stinky asshole. I mean, it's prison, what else is there to do except for gossip about dirty assholes and eat dirty assholes? It's not like they're knitting and crocheting.

Now, after doing this research and finding out where this definition came from, I don't believe it for a second. In my mind, that's not tossing a salad. I would imagine that the definition came about from someone eating a guy's hairy, dirty ass. See, I would relate dingleberries as pieces of tomatoes, shreds of paper as lettuce, the hair as bean sprouts, sweat as salad dressing - and who knows what else one would find in a really dirty hairy asshole. Probably shrimp heads and bottle caps - or at least that wouldn't surprise me. The point is that salad dressing doesn't make enough substance for an entire salad. What is a salad without the dressing and what is the dressing what a salad? Both must be present at all times for the puzzle pieces to fit.

Oh, and for the record - this conversation started because a really cute cop walked into Starbucks. Then he turned around to order coffee and his pants were so loose on his ass it looked like he was wearing diapers. I'm unclear on how ass-eating and diapers are related. When I figure that out I will post about it.

Hey mambo, mambo italiano.

Tonight is the night of sex chat. Not in the sense of, "Oh baby, what are you wearing?" but in the sense of, LET ME TELL YOU EVERY LAST ANAL LICKING DETAIL OF MY SEX LIFE AND I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ALL MY CUM DROPPING WAYS. What's better is that it's totally entertaining because even though I do not have a penis I'm sure if I had one I could work it better than a majority of my guy friends. Sometimes I wish I did just so I can show a majority of them what they're doing wrong when they fuck, and then they wouldn't get kicked to the curb so often. Guys like to talk a big game like they're dicks are a gift from God but really, if you don't know how to use it, then you might as well chop it off and pickle it. You're better off serving it with a side of coleslaw than pretending like you can bone-down.

"You gonna get blaaaasted!"

Sexting.

If you have not pressed the little red X at the top right hand corner of your screen, then I thank you for being normal enough to live in the year 2009.

There have been several articles all over the internet about sexting; so many articles that Fox LA News had to do a 5 minute segment of it tonight on the 10 pm news.

For those that don't know, this is the definition of SEXTING from Urban Dictionary:

a term created by the media referring to sending sexually explicit text messages. the term is used by adults who are out of the loop, and not by the individuals actually sending the messages. "In other news, teens in Hicktown, PA were caught 'sexting' in class, and were promptly reported to local authorities as well as their parents."

See picture at top of page for an example of a "sext."

Some blue-eyed blonde "aspiring model" that fit her stupid stereotype to a T decided she wanted to be interviewed. She went on to say that she had to cancel text messaging from her phone because she received 189027384198273912873192873982173981279 explicit text messages on her phone from 'people she didn't know' and it's not appropriate because "children can see it."

Look stupid blondie. Let me level with you. The reason you get 192837129837129837129837129837891273 text messages to your phone is because you're an ASPIRING MODEL. You're probably still paying thousands of dollars to get your pictures taken by John Robert Powers and handing your phone out to any piece of penis out there that has "connections." It's simple. The more people that have your phone number, the more stupid text messages you get. For example, have you ever noticed that around the holidays you get spammed with impersonal text messages from people you have NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE that are like "HI!!! HAPPY X-MAS!!! XOXO!!! LUVLUVLUV!!!" The reason you do not know who that person is because:
a) they are creepy and stole it from your facebook;
b) you gave your number away at a bar/club/whatever to someone to "chill sometime";
c) you were too drugged to remember; and
d) you were planning on using this person for some reason.

Really, it's THAT simple. If you're too stupid to realized that if you're getting 289743129837129837129873 text messages from people you 'dont know' then maybe it's time to change your number. Look, it's not like you'll be missing much with a new number. If you still haven't gotten that modeling contract and you look like you're pushing your 30's , go try out for America's Next Top Model and hope they'll take your broken, busted face and leathered body.

I guess what's even more disturbing is that this "MODEL" said it's inappropriate because "children can see it." Question to the reader: How often do young children go through your phone, know specifically to go to your text messages, open your MMS messages and look at the photos? I don't even remember the last time a child held my phone, must less trying to use the damn thing. Plus, I thought the new way of raising children was to show them pornography at the youngest age possible? Shit, Dom's 9 year old sister has been watching porn since she was crowning. I plan on porn raising my children just like the bugs bunny raised me. Instead of watching furries, my kid will watch the real deal and not be surprised when she sees her first penis and it's not covered in soft gray hair.

The point is: if you have a serious problem with SEXTING text messages, maybe sit down and think about why you may have this issue. Change your number. It might help.