How to write a SEX WANTED advertisement for your friend... Just don't let her know about it.

Okay, let’s just be honest here.

I’m looking for a friend with benefits for my good friend. She’s in serious need of some dick and I’m not going to let her call up old flings. There’s a whole world out there of new dick she needs to experience. She works full time and goes to school full time, which makes it hard to find time to go out and meet guys other than the skinny science nerds that dont know how to take off a bra or the bad pick up line creeps she works with. My friend literally has ZERO time to meet guys, or in this case, guys with any fucking (literally) potential. When she’s got some free time, she’s certainly not out at bars looking for some cock. If anything, she's probably munching my rug but that's not something that involves you or something you will ever experience for yourself, so don't ask if two twats are available for the fucking.

Back to the point... Being the good friend that I am, I promised my friend I’d find someone for her to fuck a lot so here I am posting an ad on Craigslist, as strange and unethical as this is. Thankfully, Craigslist is like Eharmony for whores and I want my friend to be a whore. This should be a good match, right?

So, here’s the deal. I’m going to interview you in person. We’ll meet at a coffee shop or somewhere local (to Woodland Hills) and I will get to know you for her. If I dig you, she will probably dig you (and not a grave). You and I need to know each other so it’s not all awkward and creepy when I take you to meet her. Remember, I NEVER picked you up off of Craigslist. We know each other from work or something. Got it?

About her:

She’s half Mad Scientist and half Sexy Dominatrix Kitten, although I think those percentages are screwed up because she's definitely mixed with Man-Eater, Innocent School Girl and Prostitute. I capitalized all of those because they are all breeds of bitches. She’s like the good girl gone bad, but in the best way possible. As for her looks, she’s 5’6-ish, beautifully hour-glass shaped with gigantic tits that don't sag down to her stomach, long brown hair she could use as bondage rope, naturally tan (so don't worry about color rubbing off on you) and has a big mouth for good conversation and I’m assuming blow jobs (I don’t have a dick, so I wouldn’t know). She’s also kinda got the hippie vibe to her without being dirty and crazy and she’s also a vegan but is NOT by ANY means a bible-thumping vegan. She doesn’t judge people based on eating meat. But either way, she’s hot and probably 124897219487219847 hotter than any real person that ever existed on Craigslist.

What she likes:

SMART guys, preferably guys into science since she’s a science nerd. Guys that are either vegan/vegetarian or vegan/vegetarian friendly. In other words, don’t try to convince her to eat meat (unless it's tube steak). Tattoos/Piercing = a-okay. The more you have probably means the more fucked up your are in the head, and I think she dig a little (a lot) of crazy (in bed, that is). Less pretty and more scruff, which means that if you could be mistaken for a girl when the lights are off, that's just not sexy.You MUST have transportation, otherwise you're useless and will probably be late to everything that is horny. MAJOR turn off, really. It doesn’t matter what you drive, so long as you're available shortly after the phone rings. A funny, fucked up sense of humor is a must. If you don't like dirty jokes, bad jokes, inappropriate jokes or are monotone, just fuck off.

What she DOES NOT like:

Lard asses. If you are pushing XXXXL and are more width than height, no thank you and stop eating McDonalds. If you have hair covering a majority of your body and you can’t control that you are part man-wolf, DO NOT reply as shedding like a rabid beast is not sexy. If you are not funny and cannot take a joke for the life of you, do not reply under any circumstances and make your way to a whore house where you will have better luck. If you love Jesus, Mary, Joseph and everyone else that never existed, do not reply and make your way to church for your dirty sins by being on Craigslist. If you have weird fetishes that involve piss, poop, animals or objects not found in a sex store, please do not apply and please seek help.

REQUIREMENTS FOR THE INTERVIEW:

MUST be within a short drive of Woodland Hills. MUST include a photo (many preferred) in your e-mail. PLEASE write back with SOME sort of response to this. Anything generic like, “single, male, tiny penis and boring” will not get a reply.

This is 100% for real. I need to get my friend laid before she rapes me in my sleep.