1 week and 4 days.

At 5 something in the morning, it's hard to get creative.

This evening my friend Amanda and I decided to do a late night dirty soy chai run. Somewhere in my twisted fuck-up of a brain I decided at 11:00 p.m. that a quad venti soy chai would be a good idea. Well, after a case of the rambles followed by shakes with some intermittent studying, I finally fell asleep at 3:00 a.m. Shortly thereafter I was rudely woken up by my boyfriend with a case of the sleep-rapes and now I am back to being wide awake with an unexplained and rather annoying itch to ramble to the world on a conversation topic we had. That topic being SALAD TOSSING.

Triggered by a funny event, Amanda looks at me and says something along the lines of, "WHO IN THE HELL THOUGHT OF THE SIMILARITIES OF SALAD AND ASSHOLE."

I look at her, being my normal fucked up self and say, "It all started with a single dingleberry."

See, after doing some research on the definition of salad tossing, I learned that the term came from the prison community and it used when a member of the prison yard, normally one of lower ranking, eats out the asshole of a higher-ranking prisoner and covers said asshole with salad dressing to "cover up the taste." Clearly I'm not a prisoner and I have thankfully never been to prison, but how does this whole ranking business work? Do you have a certain quota of asshole eating before you can step up a rank? Is it like Farmville where you earn XP points and graduate to the never level? Each time you graduate, you get more cool stuff and more boys eating your asshole and the less you end up eating? Who developed this hierarchy of prison systems anyway? Whatever it was and whomever it was, I don't get it and I suppose I never really want to, although that would be an interesting topic to do a paper on from the etic perspective. Albeit interesting, I don't think that'll ever come up for me in the nutritional anthropology field, although I'm sure that could be argued and I'm clearly not the person to do so.

For some reason, I feel as though that people in prison would have super clean assholes. Because if prison rumors are true, there's a lot of gay shit going on all the time and you wouldn't want to be passed around as a lower member of the prison and everyone talking about your stinky asshole. I mean, it's prison, what else is there to do except for gossip about dirty assholes and eat dirty assholes? It's not like they're knitting and crocheting.

Now, after doing this research and finding out where this definition came from, I don't believe it for a second. In my mind, that's not tossing a salad. I would imagine that the definition came about from someone eating a guy's hairy, dirty ass. See, I would relate dingleberries as pieces of tomatoes, shreds of paper as lettuce, the hair as bean sprouts, sweat as salad dressing - and who knows what else one would find in a really dirty hairy asshole. Probably shrimp heads and bottle caps - or at least that wouldn't surprise me. The point is that salad dressing doesn't make enough substance for an entire salad. What is a salad without the dressing and what is the dressing what a salad? Both must be present at all times for the puzzle pieces to fit.

Oh, and for the record - this conversation started because a really cute cop walked into Starbucks. Then he turned around to order coffee and his pants were so loose on his ass it looked like he was wearing diapers. I'm unclear on how ass-eating and diapers are related. When I figure that out I will post about it.