Lagging from a jet.

It took me almost 2 weeks to get on European time and now Im going to suffer to try to get to American time. It seems like American time just sucks so much more. I feel like I'm turning into that pompous guy I briefly dated when Dom and I were on what I thought was permanent hiatus. Don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy and all that jazz, but I reallllllllly do not deal with with someone who thinks they're always right. The only person who can be right all the time is me, but solely because I have a vagina. Not because I'm smart or anything, just because I possess a vagina. I can continue on with the reasons of why said guy was not good for me, but then it would take away the beauty of my post. So I'm turning into him in the sense of that I've been bitten by the travel bug. Europe. Europe. Europe. blah. blah. blah. blah. I guess the only difference between me and him is that I am posting it on the interwebz on my own private blog rather than being a bitch and shoving it up everyone's nose. Okay, maybe a little bit about the JAMON DE PATA NEGRA but with good reason.
That reason is that Jamon de pata negra (Iberico ham) was illegal in the US until 2005. It is now available in very limited quantities and very difficult to find. It is still illegal to import ANY kind of meat from ANYWHERE into this country without proper packaging and Dept. of Agriculture approval. Well, my cousins in Spain kept shoving chorizo and jamon de pata negra down my throat at every given opportunity which means I had to eat like, the whole time I was in Spain. I am surprised I could fit on the airplane.
Anyway, so my cousin sent me home with said jamon de pata negra, carefully packaged of course. I will admit that the whole time while going through customs I was a nervous wreck about getting caught and getting a $2500 fine, but it turns out people in Miami are lazy fags (literally, butt fucking fags that are possibly too lazy to butt fuck) and the beagles in the airport are just as fucking lazy because I not only got away with meat by the beagle that sniffed my luggage, but also by the people who are supposed to go through my luggage and make sure I'm not doing anything illegal. Next time I know I don't need to shove cocaine up my ass. So, I made it home with JAMON DE PATA NEGRA that my wonderful family gave me. Well, as it turns out, this shit sells for $96 dollars a pound. Yes, you read that correctly. $96.00 a pound. Which means that a whole jamon goes upwards $2000 and higher. What it also means that I have meat that you will not be eating because I am a spoiled bitch and I am going to eat it all and not share. What's also awesome is that because I have family in Spain that loves me, they're going to spend 200 Euro's and buy me a whole jamon de pata negra and switch the labels on it put a Serrano jamon label on it which is legal for export to the US by butcher shops. In exchange, I will be sending them Levi's 501's because apparently Levi's makes their money in Europe, because they charge 150 Euro per pair of jeans which I find completely insane.

This weekend I plan on opening up my notebook that I wrote in while eating everything I could, going through my notes and creating recipes on what I've eaten and how I can make these dishes in my own signature way. I've been inspired beyond belief and while I still have the tastes and feeling of yum in my head it's time to be creative and make other people fat while in the process of being creative. I've already given up on the fact that I will never, ever surpass Pizzaria Rustica in Lecco, Italy because they won second place in the world pizza finals. They must put crack in their pizza dough because their shit was addicting. It was the only place I ate at twice in my week in Italy. My second time was in the morning when the owner had all the fresh focaccia bread out... And of course it was pizza and focaccia heaven. I made friends with the owner and I told him I would write a review for him on FOODSPANK (please see my links for the blog) which I will do this weekend. Seriously, I want to work for him for a month for free to steal his techniques. I already told him that though so if he reads this, he won't be surprised that I am crazy that I want to work for him. He already thinks I'm crazy for wanting to move to Italy. But now I retract that statement and I want to move to Spain and if I have my way I will become a dual citizen of the US and Spain and buy a piece of land there and build on it as the years go by, then I will retire in Spain and live out the rest of my life eating jamon de pata negra. I might even be asked to be cremated with one.
Surprisingly, the thing that drove me the up the fucking wall in the best way ever were the fucking olives. Yes, you heard me, the fucking olives. I don't know what we're doing wrong here but US as a whole needs help when it comes to curing olives or finding good ones to import. The most insane olives I ate were from this Bristol Farms-like market just outside of Lecco, before driving into town, but a close second were the olives at Da Scapin in Verona, Italy. Unfortunately they didn't speak any English and I know enough Italian to just barely get by, so unfortunately I couldn't ask them questions about the curing process or where they get it or whatever, but those were also mind blowing. If I were to spend my time typing about the food and food alone, I will probably not sleep for 2 weeks straight because I could easily write a novel for each and every single thing that I ate.

Unfortunately I will need to sit tight until summer to experience the food orgasm that is Spain again. The food in London was both fabulous and terrible, the food in Italy was mind-blowing and the day I spent in St. Moritz, Switzerland I got to try a local meat only made in the area and this AMAZING barley soup with bits of speck but you know, Spain trumped all that is food heaven. So, I will bitch and whine until I get to spend a month in Spain (and Portugal and possibly Morocco) this summer. I should probably not attempt Morocco in summer because it'll be 1298731928731928471924719248712987 degrees but whatever. I am easily swayed by the thought of delicious Moroccan food.

Clearly, I am a fat person and I'll embrace that fact. Thank you.