Beer shits

Why the Hell am I up at 3:45 in the morning? Oh, that's right, because my stomach woke me up to this wrenching pain that made me want to gut myself. What a fucking horrible thing to wake up to. Stomach pain really is the shits. Worse, I have a headache too. What a real cunt.

So earlier today I got LE DRONK (see drunk picture above) at my bestfriend's house for the 4th and swam around the pool for hours channeling my inner fish. I swam around a bunch while drunk to 1) challenge myself not to drown and 2) burn off booze calories. I hadn't eaten anything all day and for the first time in months I decided to stuff myself with wheat beer and chips and apparently an entire habanero pepper in less than 3 bites care of Daddy Mason who likes to put holes inside my intestines. Basically all the things in life I typically stay away from (with the exception of habaneros) I decided to overload on today. What a fucking terrible mistake. I think by beer 3 and half a bag of chips I was borderline vomits just from the carb overload. I really can't do that to myself anymore. If I have to be the creepy person who brings her own salad and green tea to the party I guess I'm just going to have to do that. Had I behaved myself I wouldn't be here suffering with a double whammy headache and buttache at nearly 4 in the morning with work looming around the corner. My dogs, and by dogs I mean Doberman and boyfriend, are soundly asleep while I am researching how to disembowel myself without dying. Lucky them, because if they were awake I'd make them suffer with me. That's the fascist way to do things, right?

Whatever, so long as I don't end up having that leaky butt syndrome where you can't hold your shits I guess I'll be ok. I actually know a couple of people with leaky butt syndrome. One shat her pants while driving somewhere important and the other can't go anywhere without needing to shat his pants every few minutes. I actually know someone else who has leaky vagina syndrome who fucking pees every other 5 minutes... And basically when she has to pee and there's no toilet she says FUCK YOU WORLD, YOU ARE MY TOILET and I've seen her piss on a West Hollywood dyke bar's dance floor, on a street corner, next to a club entrance all while in front of a ton of valet people, in someone's bushes on Laurel Canyon and she cut off a crazy midget in a wheel chair at a hot dog stand's outdoor restroom and flooded it. Needless to say this was all in one night. There were numerous other pee pee stops, but none that were insanely memorable, just annoying.