The Practically Married Life.

So I wrote a really long blog about how I'm practically married and basically updated about my weekend and how great life is because my boyfriend is amazing, blah blah blah, and one day I plan on officially sealing my fate in paper with him, blah blah blah. Then I realized that I'm boring as all fucking Hell and it has taken a toll on my rantings, ravings and my normal crazies which used to frequent my blog. I have such a fucking incredible sex life I should talk about and I don't post about it because my asshole parents read my blog. I realized that I'm god damn 25 years old and if my parents honestly don't think 99.99% of the reason I don't live at home anymore is because Jamie and I hold each other all night and whisper sweet nothings to each other without genitals touching and that I wear a chastity belt to bed, then they both have really bad alcohol problems or... nope, nothing else comes to mind. they must be alcoholics if they could ever think that. Look, the reality is that I won't buy a car without test driving it. Why would I ever make an investment such as my precious fucking time without a test fuck? I DO NOT WASTE MY TIME WITH SMALL PENIS. I mean, there's really no point. If my cervix does not feel like it is being beaten with a baseball bat and left to die in the middle of the street, I want no part of it. There isn't a chance in hell my vagina will get near it. I do not accidentally fall on little penis, nor do I get too drunk and accidentally sleep with little penis. It just doesn't happen, and this is why I possess hands and they do not fail me. See, what happens is my body shuts down and is like MAYDAY, MAYDAY, MAYYYDAAYY!!!

Jamie, to this day, still questions why I'm with him. Probably because the first time he asked me this question I answered him with "because your dick is gigantic" and he responded all seriously with, "OHHHH, it's not my fantastic personality or that I'm funny or I make you happy or even my looks..." and I said "Sweetie, look, you're all those things... But if you did not have the gigantic penis you have, I would not be with you." Basically if Jamie and I ever break up I am going to be stuck dating black men that fit the famous stereotype that black guys don't mind having unless they're not equipped to fit that stereotype. All I know is that I am cock-jaded and this is probably a bad thing.Good thing I plan on keeping Jamie forever. Or at least his penis. I'll cast a rubber mold of it or chop it off and bronze it if I need to.