Dirty rocker lust.

I think I'm finally coming to terms that I've gone completely insane. My mind just doesn't work right at all and I'm at the point where I think I'm going to let go and see where it takes me.

Earlier this evening, Katie and I went to Rite-Aid for her regular alcohol run and somehow I got distracted (surprise, surprise) and decided that instead of looking for her I'd rather try to stalk her out. Well, somewhere in the midst of this predator-like stalking, I crept around a corner and in the creepiest face I could possibly make with my body contorted into a way I cannot describe, I accidentally stalked a young-ish couple and almost said "FFFFFUUCCCCKKKK YOOOOUUUU!!!" to them. Literally, my lips where in the "FFF" shape and I partly uttered said "FFF" sound. I haven't a clue why I was going to do that, why I partially let go of myself to do that or why on Earth I didn't pee my pants from laughing so hard after. Katie caught me in the act of said "FFF" and she admitted to almost shitting her pants. Actually, she may have sharted because I could have sworn I smelled some butt leakage and it wasn't coming from my ass or underoos. Knowing Katie, it's perfectly possible. I suppose her lack of control of her bodily functions (not that she admits this, but I have a good whiffer) and the fact that she's probably the funniest person I know is the reason why I love her so much. In 5 days she and I will be in Madrid causing chaos and destruction to the point where we might get deported. Amazing.

Legal Crack and Nervous Postings

3:51 a.m.

Dom and I are both wide awake, both of us are victims to legal crack. For him, he's on his ADD medication and I'm who knows how many milligrams in on caffeine... Just know that it's a lot.

I'm thinking about making the switch to adderall. See, there's a hell of a lot less fat (I don't drink black coffee) and calories in a tiny pill of brain food. Side effects are anorexia and psychosis. I'm currently psychotic and that's nothing new. I can't imagine a tiny pill of brain food could possibly exacerbate my perpetually unruly behavior. See, if I combine that with my newly-adopted anorexia, I could just be the skinny crack whore which I guess could be a fun new phase in my life. That will give me more drive and reason to go be a fat chef in Spain. See, I really do have methods to my madness. No one ever said I was logical or ethical and by all means, I don't want to be. I suppose when I DO start "thinking like a normal person" is when the Apocalypse is coming. At that point, who gives a shit. The world will be imploding.

Mother of FUCK.

I just realized I cannot go to Spain without enduring the torture of a 10 hour plane ride, followed by a connection that's another 2 hours.

I will be refilling my prescriptions for xanax this week.

I have 8 days to realize that plane rides are the key to happiness.

How to write a SEX WANTED advertisement for your friend... Just don't let her know about it.

Okay, let’s just be honest here.

I’m looking for a friend with benefits for my good friend. She’s in serious need of some dick and I’m not going to let her call up old flings. There’s a whole world out there of new dick she needs to experience. She works full time and goes to school full time, which makes it hard to find time to go out and meet guys other than the skinny science nerds that dont know how to take off a bra or the bad pick up line creeps she works with. My friend literally has ZERO time to meet guys, or in this case, guys with any fucking (literally) potential. When she’s got some free time, she’s certainly not out at bars looking for some cock. If anything, she's probably munching my rug but that's not something that involves you or something you will ever experience for yourself, so don't ask if two twats are available for the fucking.

Back to the point... Being the good friend that I am, I promised my friend I’d find someone for her to fuck a lot so here I am posting an ad on Craigslist, as strange and unethical as this is. Thankfully, Craigslist is like Eharmony for whores and I want my friend to be a whore. This should be a good match, right?

So, here’s the deal. I’m going to interview you in person. We’ll meet at a coffee shop or somewhere local (to Woodland Hills) and I will get to know you for her. If I dig you, she will probably dig you (and not a grave). You and I need to know each other so it’s not all awkward and creepy when I take you to meet her. Remember, I NEVER picked you up off of Craigslist. We know each other from work or something. Got it?

About her:

She’s half Mad Scientist and half Sexy Dominatrix Kitten, although I think those percentages are screwed up because she's definitely mixed with Man-Eater, Innocent School Girl and Prostitute. I capitalized all of those because they are all breeds of bitches. She’s like the good girl gone bad, but in the best way possible. As for her looks, she’s 5’6-ish, beautifully hour-glass shaped with gigantic tits that don't sag down to her stomach, long brown hair she could use as bondage rope, naturally tan (so don't worry about color rubbing off on you) and has a big mouth for good conversation and I’m assuming blow jobs (I don’t have a dick, so I wouldn’t know). She’s also kinda got the hippie vibe to her without being dirty and crazy and she’s also a vegan but is NOT by ANY means a bible-thumping vegan. She doesn’t judge people based on eating meat. But either way, she’s hot and probably 124897219487219847 hotter than any real person that ever existed on Craigslist.

What she likes:

SMART guys, preferably guys into science since she’s a science nerd. Guys that are either vegan/vegetarian or vegan/vegetarian friendly. In other words, don’t try to convince her to eat meat (unless it's tube steak). Tattoos/Piercing = a-okay. The more you have probably means the more fucked up your are in the head, and I think she dig a little (a lot) of crazy (in bed, that is). Less pretty and more scruff, which means that if you could be mistaken for a girl when the lights are off, that's just not sexy.You MUST have transportation, otherwise you're useless and will probably be late to everything that is horny. MAJOR turn off, really. It doesn’t matter what you drive, so long as you're available shortly after the phone rings. A funny, fucked up sense of humor is a must. If you don't like dirty jokes, bad jokes, inappropriate jokes or are monotone, just fuck off.

What she DOES NOT like:

Lard asses. If you are pushing XXXXL and are more width than height, no thank you and stop eating McDonalds. If you have hair covering a majority of your body and you can’t control that you are part man-wolf, DO NOT reply as shedding like a rabid beast is not sexy. If you are not funny and cannot take a joke for the life of you, do not reply under any circumstances and make your way to a whore house where you will have better luck. If you love Jesus, Mary, Joseph and everyone else that never existed, do not reply and make your way to church for your dirty sins by being on Craigslist. If you have weird fetishes that involve piss, poop, animals or objects not found in a sex store, please do not apply and please seek help.

REQUIREMENTS FOR THE INTERVIEW:

MUST be within a short drive of Woodland Hills. MUST include a photo (many preferred) in your e-mail. PLEASE write back with SOME sort of response to this. Anything generic like, “single, male, tiny penis and boring” will not get a reply.

This is 100% for real. I need to get my friend laid before she rapes me in my sleep.

1 week and 4 days.

At 5 something in the morning, it's hard to get creative.

This evening my friend Amanda and I decided to do a late night dirty soy chai run. Somewhere in my twisted fuck-up of a brain I decided at 11:00 p.m. that a quad venti soy chai would be a good idea. Well, after a case of the rambles followed by shakes with some intermittent studying, I finally fell asleep at 3:00 a.m. Shortly thereafter I was rudely woken up by my boyfriend with a case of the sleep-rapes and now I am back to being wide awake with an unexplained and rather annoying itch to ramble to the world on a conversation topic we had. That topic being SALAD TOSSING.

Triggered by a funny event, Amanda looks at me and says something along the lines of, "WHO IN THE HELL THOUGHT OF THE SIMILARITIES OF SALAD AND ASSHOLE."

I look at her, being my normal fucked up self and say, "It all started with a single dingleberry."

See, after doing some research on the definition of salad tossing, I learned that the term came from the prison community and it used when a member of the prison yard, normally one of lower ranking, eats out the asshole of a higher-ranking prisoner and covers said asshole with salad dressing to "cover up the taste." Clearly I'm not a prisoner and I have thankfully never been to prison, but how does this whole ranking business work? Do you have a certain quota of asshole eating before you can step up a rank? Is it like Farmville where you earn XP points and graduate to the never level? Each time you graduate, you get more cool stuff and more boys eating your asshole and the less you end up eating? Who developed this hierarchy of prison systems anyway? Whatever it was and whomever it was, I don't get it and I suppose I never really want to, although that would be an interesting topic to do a paper on from the etic perspective. Albeit interesting, I don't think that'll ever come up for me in the nutritional anthropology field, although I'm sure that could be argued and I'm clearly not the person to do so.

For some reason, I feel as though that people in prison would have super clean assholes. Because if prison rumors are true, there's a lot of gay shit going on all the time and you wouldn't want to be passed around as a lower member of the prison and everyone talking about your stinky asshole. I mean, it's prison, what else is there to do except for gossip about dirty assholes and eat dirty assholes? It's not like they're knitting and crocheting.

Now, after doing this research and finding out where this definition came from, I don't believe it for a second. In my mind, that's not tossing a salad. I would imagine that the definition came about from someone eating a guy's hairy, dirty ass. See, I would relate dingleberries as pieces of tomatoes, shreds of paper as lettuce, the hair as bean sprouts, sweat as salad dressing - and who knows what else one would find in a really dirty hairy asshole. Probably shrimp heads and bottle caps - or at least that wouldn't surprise me. The point is that salad dressing doesn't make enough substance for an entire salad. What is a salad without the dressing and what is the dressing what a salad? Both must be present at all times for the puzzle pieces to fit.

Oh, and for the record - this conversation started because a really cute cop walked into Starbucks. Then he turned around to order coffee and his pants were so loose on his ass it looked like he was wearing diapers. I'm unclear on how ass-eating and diapers are related. When I figure that out I will post about it.

2 weeks and 6 days...

I'm going back to Spain.

I bought my tickets 4 weeks ago but apparently I've been too insane about going back to Spain that I haven't written about me going back to Spain. And no, that is not intended to make any sense at all.

Anyway, my sister and I are leaving on November 5th and we're spending 11 days running around like a couple of crazy drunks. I guess the only problem (not that this is a TRUE problem) is that I will be at the same hotel I was before, which is less than half a block in distance, while on the same block, as my cousin's apartment building... Which means I need to be on semi-decent behavior. Katie, however, can do whatever the Hell she wants and say whatever she wants because no one understands a drunk person's English - not even an English speaker can decipher what the Hell will come out of her mouth 30 beers under. So, I suppose that's the good news.

My cousins are picking me up from the airport and we're driving to their vacation home in Caceres, which from the pictures I cannot WAIT to be there. It was built by Romans in 25 BC, and still has a ton of the old Roman ruins and has a ton of Spanish palaces and forts. In other words, I will be enriching my brain and eyes in history and I'll be a happy camper from it. We will be there for a long weekend (Fri - Monday morning) and for the rest of the trip I'll be back in Madrid... which means the following: tapas bars. the prado. museo de la reina sofia. jamon bars. spanish beer on tap. more jamon. more jamon. more jamon.

Am I excited? Oh no, not at all.