I hope you enjoy your BOX OF DELUXE TROJANS.

God, people are so embarrassing. Today I decided that I should one up everyone and be EVEN MORE EMBARRASSING. Earlier tonight my mom and I went to Costco. Now that I'm broke again I am back to mooching off of my mother, so yeah, back to the story. First, we're stuck behind some Chinese (no, I am not referring to Sabrina) that was BLOCKING AN ENTIRE COSTCO AISLE (hard to do, I KNOW!) so I was like, WOW MOM - THEY CAN'T DRIVE A CAR, NOR CAN THEY DRIVE A CART! Then she told me to shut up in Spanish so I said I DO NOT SPEAK MEXICAN... Which of course, pisses off my "I am above all other Spanish speakers out there" Cuban mother.

Then we're at the check out line and for some fucking ungodly reason she has drawings of naked body parts on the back of her checks. Clearly my dad was drunk and bored at a dinner. So I was like HEY MOM, I LOVE THE SAGGY TITS AND SAGGY ASS PICTURE ON THE BACK OF YOUR CHECK. My mom is quick to defend and say THAT IS NOT A DOODLE OF BODY PARTS. So of course the guy at the check out HAD TO LOOK and he's like, "Sorry ma'am, that does look like female's body." So I say, MUST BE YOU, CHECK OUT THOSE SAGGY TITS AND ASS. And she's like EXCUSE ME I GOT A BREAST LIFT THOSE ARE NOT MINE. Then she gets all pissed off at my dad for drawing embarrassing things on her checks. Then it was another "shut up, you fucking idiot" in Spanish episode.

So, Costco has these fatso women that hang out at the door and are supposed to tag your receipt after checking your items. Normally, they just tag it and BARELY look. Today, we happened to get some fat Lupe Maria Gonzalez that wanted to CHECK EVERYTHING WE HAD. So, as she finally finishes she looks at my mom and says WELL I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR ROMA TOMATOES.

So, I say to my mom, WOW MOM, I GUESS I AM GLAD I DID NOT ASK FOR A BOX OF 500 ULTRA THIN TROJAN CONDOMS, BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN REALLY AWESOME IF SHE TOLD ME TO GO ENJOY MY CONDOMS. I WOULD HAVE SAID, YES, TONIGHT I PLAN ON USING THE WHOLE BOX, AND MAYBE COMING BACK TO BUY SOME MORE. I AM ON FUCKING THE ENTIRE CONEJO VALLEY.

For now I will just sit on my ass and be a fat Cuban and eat my pot of black beans I made for myself. CUBA LIBRE!