I smell like a garlic patch.

... I really do...

I haven't posted in a long time. I figure I'm long over due for a post - not that I have "readers" or anything, but because sometimes it's nice to get things out out of my mind.

Last night I went to see the Sex and the City movie with my lovely KB. Sometimes I forget how much I miss the series being on TV. Unfortunately I missed the first few seasons of it on TV, so a few years ago I was sick with a bad flu and my mom rented me the first two or three seasons and all I did was watch it for the days I was sick... and then repeated on some of my favorite episodes.

I had such a fab time with KB. I wish I could see more of her. If I didn't drive a gas hog and gas wasn't 298317982173982173921739217398217398217 dollars per gallon I'd go to movies with her all the time. On the way home from the movie, I had a lot of quiet time to myself and I got to thinking how lucky I am to have someone like her in my life. We've had some great convos lately about what the true definition of a friend is - and if you have to question yourself if someone is your friend or not, then clearly you have your answer. That's something that shouldn't EVER cross one's mind. That's called an acquaintance, or maybe someone you like to party with occasionally, but that doesn't classify someone as a friend, much less a true to the heart friend. I need to spend some time slowly weaning myself away from people and being open with people that do nothing for me. There are a lot of people out there that do nothing but help me consume alcohol, but never contribute anything to my heart, mind or soul. A true friend is a form of extended family, someone you should be able to trust completely and entirely. The expression "you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends" is the best way to put it. If you choose to surround yourself with toxic friends, or careless/meaningless friends, or friends that are not honest with you, then that's completely your choice. I've come to realize recently that I have one too many of those that fall into those categories in my life - and it's time to weed them out. As Dom's eldest sister said to me the other day, it's like "having high school relationships" and she's right. I've tried to give some people the benefit of the doubt, but time and time again people prove me wrong so I'm through with them. No mas, no bueno.

I'm just very thankful I have some special people in my life. Besides my family and my boyfriend (did I mention it's my 5 YEAR ANNIVERSARY TODAY?) - I am really fortunate to have a handful of some seriously special people in my life. 3 I have known for 12+ years - and those three absolutely know who they are and what they mean to me, after everything we've been through together over the years. One special person I've known for 3+ years - but with her I feel like I've known her forever. We met randomly, got along fabulously, randomly re-met and continued to get along fabulously. OKAY so one absolutely stupid and ugly fight over what was essentially a misunderstanding, with two big egos clashing - that didn't work so well but CLEARLY in the end of it all we could not NOT want to talk to each other. But she's probably the warmest, smartest, quirkiest (in a good and fun way), outrageous person I know in all possible ways and I LOVE her for it. She's honest and loving - and that's so rare to find in a person and I'm lucky to have her in my life. If only more people were anywhere near being a faction of the person she is, the world would probably be a better place. :)

I guess I'm long over-due.

I haven't updated in a while. It's probably because my life isn't really all that interesting as of lately. I've noticed I've been gaining weight some how, some way - although I've been eating all the right foods, working out and doing all that shit. I think right now I'm in a transitional stage. I think right now I'm GAINING muscle and slowly losing fat. My measurements have stayed about the same from when I initially lost a bunch of weight, however, I've seen major impacts on my legs, arms and stomach when it comes to seeing muscle. It's there. It's coming along. My ass is getting bigger... I think because I will NEVER burn the fat on my ass and the muscle I'm gaining is just making it larger and larger. Whatever. I'm working towards my goal and that's all that matters. I can't expect to be SuPeR HoTtT over night. I'm still thinking an at home liposuction kit would be fucking great though.

Anyway.

So I have gone swimming the past two days in a row. It's strange because I haven't gone swimming in YEARS. I mean. I think the last time I went swimming I was somewhere around the age of 16. I figure I should probably swim at least 3 days a week, run 3 days a week and add in some other cardio and resistance training in there somewhere.

In other news, I got rear ended today. Some fucking idiot decided to try to squeeze his car between the little gap of my truck and the center island on Thousand Oaks Blvd. I mean, what a fucking tool bag. He was so impatient he couldn't wait for a green light so he could turn left, he had to try to attempt to squeeze in his stupid fuck little car to get into a left turning lane. GOD. What a tool. Whatever, my dad called him Osama Bin Laden when he came to give me the information I didn't have. Apparently the officer thought it was FUCKING HILARIOUS and I'm also happy that I had my pinche Karepack Katie and my pinche "Bye Pooter" Michele with me. Michele flashing her tits to the officer made me almost pee my pants. I think Katie DID pee her pants. She has a habit of peeing in my truck so it's all possible.

And I have to get my lazy ass up to work tomorrow and uh, I don't want to.

I'll update more. I promise.

It's 8:16 a.m. will you wake up to me...

I don't think I've made a 311 reference in years. I feel like it's 8:16 am although it's shortly before 3 am. My brain usually starts crashing around this time, picks up again around 6:30 a.m., then finally crashes for at least 14 hours around 8:30 am if I'm playing those games with myself. Sometimes I wish I had a sleeping pill addiction. Fuck, I wish I could take *a* sleeping pill without giving myself an anxiety attack. I guess that's what happens when paranoia set in when I was around age 16.

Anyway, it's always around this time when my lack of brain functionality sets in, this is when I find myself rambling about shit that doesn't make sense. When I re-read this, it will also not make sense to me.

I'm also highly irritable around this hour and I sort of wish everyone bothering me at this hour would drop dead for at least 10 hours, enough for me to regain my mental strength to deal with such nonsense and for me to not be such a haggard bitch. I need room to stretch my internet fingers. Fuck off.

I guess I should start off with the "I'm pregnant" April Fool's joke. I told my wonderful boyfriend I was pregnant for April Fool's (duh, like you couldn't see I was going there), and I thought he was going to flip his shit. Not only did he believe me (because my period comes right before the 1st of the month normally) but he literally flipped his lid. This is when I was like HEY COCK FACE, WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 5 YEARS, MAN UP ASSHOLE. Then after the possibility of a baby Dom kicked in, he sort of smiled and said it would be cute. Creepily, we started talking about whether it would be a boy or a girl and their baby names. It was freaky watching him bounce between emotions of "yay" and "oh fuck." I felt like an asshole for letting it drag on... At least I was laughing inside.

What's worse about it is that my period really was late. I knew why - and I wasn't worried. I know my body well enough, I guess. I let it go on for a couple of hours before I told him. I thought he was going to punch me... But then he didn't "sleep all night" because he was worried I really was pregnant. Well, the good news is that I am not with child. The bad news is that I fucked up my body from being good on my diet and working out for 2 months, splurging for about a week and a half, then getting back to it really fucked up my 30-day precise clock. I PMSed for two weeks - TWO WEEKS - where I feel like a terrible bitch and then my period was almost 5 days late.

Whatever.

Maybe since I was already graphic enough I should probably pull out my bloody tampon and take a picture of it. Only then I could get to the level of disgustingly graphic I am trying to achieve.

The only children I need in my life for now are my pets. I know Sierra is still growing but I didn't expect my horse to be. I got a blanket out of my truck from last winter (YES, I CLEANED THE BED OF MY TRUCK!) that's an 82" - it fit her just fine. WELL NOW HER ENTIRE ASS IS STICKING OUT. She is a reflection of her mother... My ass is getting bigger, too. She has no excuse, at least I can blame it on my super awesome Cubanism.

Now I need to get an 86" because an 84" will simply not do. For the average person that needs to read "Horses for Dummies" out there - that means my horse is gigantic and the average horse wears something around 12 inches smaller. It's nearly impossible to find what i need. My horse is almost 7 years old now. WHEN WILL SHE STOP GROWING? Growing pains. Growing pains. GROWING PAIN IN MY ASS.

I guess I have nothing to really talk about. I could ramble about how the Earth is round but I guess we know that already. I could also ramble how I hate everyone and everything but we all know that, too. So what's the point?

But I do wish that I was sleeping in the sand somewhere warm right now. Call me Erika Henry - GIVE ME TROPICAL OR GIVE ME DEATH.

I'll take a platter of 75% fat, thank you.

If I could pick up and just do whatever the fuck I want, I think I'd move up to Northern California and own a small diary farm. I couldn't do just any old diary farm with some cows, a barn and little ranch-style home, but really an amazing estate. It would be named Castillo De Princessa De La Habana. Besides the fact that I would have an amazing mansion with a compass of wings, but gnarly caves for aging cheeses, rolling hills to have vineyards (because what goes better with cheese than wine?), a small lake, an indoor and outdoor arena for Charm, acres and acres of lush, green pastures and of course I would be will equipped with everything I need to make my own cheeses, produce my own wines and somehow manage all that while running an underground brothel. Wait, I wasn't supposed to share my secret information of things I want to do in life - own a brothel.

Anyway.

I don't care how fucking terribly fat I sound, but I am a fucking lover of cheese... Better yet, I am becoming a connoisseur of cheese. YOU WANT TO TALK CHEESE? YOU COME TO ME. Bring cheese.

I could probably bathe in cheese and then eat it. Okay, wait, only if my pussy is clean but otherwise I probably would.

I haven't posted in a while... I guess it's because I'm celebrating my birthday month or whatever.

So, now I'm in my 23rd year and I still feel like I am yet to gain any significant knowledge of adulthood. But I have probably gained like 10 lbs in alcohol consumption, so the lesson learned is NOT to party for days and days on end. Tonight is my last night of drinking. Tomorrow my boo boo and I are going on a romantic dinner and I am done with food/alcohol for a long time.

I guess it's back to the gym, my suana and long runs for me... Just - well, as of Monday. Monday it is.

*vomits*

This is definitely not a Honda commercial.

This is my version of "I pinch" minus, she is real and really does pinch. PINCH HIM HARD.

I hope you try to come lurking around me in the shadows at night, because my gluedtomyhip dog will probably try to eat you.

I'm sheltered but not shelled.

I need to work on becoming a better hermit. If there was a way where I can have my own private island with everything I wanted on it, I would be set. I only really need my dog, my horse, my internet, some food to live off of (and for the animals, too) and my vibrator with an abundance of lube in case I get creative and of course batteries for it. I WOULD say my boyfriend but he would probably drive me fucking crazy the first day on the island. But if for some reason I have a big enough island so when we fight I can send him in the jungle in search of warthogs and Bigfoot, then I guess I would take him, too. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my birthday is coming up and I would like a pink shell to live in.