I'll take a platter of 75% fat, thank you.

If I could pick up and just do whatever the fuck I want, I think I'd move up to Northern California and own a small diary farm. I couldn't do just any old diary farm with some cows, a barn and little ranch-style home, but really an amazing estate. It would be named Castillo De Princessa De La Habana. Besides the fact that I would have an amazing mansion with a compass of wings, but gnarly caves for aging cheeses, rolling hills to have vineyards (because what goes better with cheese than wine?), a small lake, an indoor and outdoor arena for Charm, acres and acres of lush, green pastures and of course I would be will equipped with everything I need to make my own cheeses, produce my own wines and somehow manage all that while running an underground brothel. Wait, I wasn't supposed to share my secret information of things I want to do in life - own a brothel.

Anyway.

I don't care how fucking terribly fat I sound, but I am a fucking lover of cheese... Better yet, I am becoming a connoisseur of cheese. YOU WANT TO TALK CHEESE? YOU COME TO ME. Bring cheese.

I could probably bathe in cheese and then eat it. Okay, wait, only if my pussy is clean but otherwise I probably would.

I haven't posted in a while... I guess it's because I'm celebrating my birthday month or whatever.

So, now I'm in my 23rd year and I still feel like I am yet to gain any significant knowledge of adulthood. But I have probably gained like 10 lbs in alcohol consumption, so the lesson learned is NOT to party for days and days on end. Tonight is my last night of drinking. Tomorrow my boo boo and I are going on a romantic dinner and I am done with food/alcohol for a long time.

I guess it's back to the gym, my suana and long runs for me... Just - well, as of Monday. Monday it is.

*vomits*

This is definitely not a Honda commercial.

This is my version of "I pinch" minus, she is real and really does pinch. PINCH HIM HARD.

I hope you try to come lurking around me in the shadows at night, because my gluedtomyhip dog will probably try to eat you.

I'm sheltered but not shelled.

I need to work on becoming a better hermit. If there was a way where I can have my own private island with everything I wanted on it, I would be set. I only really need my dog, my horse, my internet, some food to live off of (and for the animals, too) and my vibrator with an abundance of lube in case I get creative and of course batteries for it. I WOULD say my boyfriend but he would probably drive me fucking crazy the first day on the island. But if for some reason I have a big enough island so when we fight I can send him in the jungle in search of warthogs and Bigfoot, then I guess I would take him, too. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my birthday is coming up and I would like a pink shell to live in.

You know, I feel like dealing cocaine.

I'm just going to say that these fucking glasses make me feel like I just swam over from Cuba to Key West, SOMEHOW settled in Miami and started a cocaine business. I feel like I should lay in the Miami Beach sand with a pound of cocaine next to me with lots of hired hookers that work for lines of coke. I want to be the next Tony Montana. I WILL BE THE NEXT TONY MONTANA.

No, but in all reality these are my new fucking hot glasses that my boo-boo bought me for my birthday. - Well, an early birthday present as my birthday is not until the 21st of this month. They are vintage Christian Diors from 1970. Also, I know I look like I'm naked but I'm not (WHICH IS HARD TO BELIEVE, I KNOW).毛澤東 decided to get wasted and say she was "going to the bathroom" and came back with a dress for me and also for Gia. She also decided that we should change what we were wearing to our new dresses AT THE TABLE so we changed AT THE TABLE. It was pretty awesome because we pulled off changing at the table seen in the picture above. I went from a halter dress to a tube dress and it's really fucking cute. I guess I will admit that 毛澤東 has good taste. On another note, I think when I lose another 10 pounds I will just around naked at all times.

My feet were also peed on tonight. I will spare those details but it was not my pee pee.

FUCK IT'S 4:50 IN THE MORNING AND I WISH I COULD FUCKING SLEEP. I AM WIDE AWAKE.

I hope you enjoy your BOX OF DELUXE TROJANS.

God, people are so embarrassing. Today I decided that I should one up everyone and be EVEN MORE EMBARRASSING. Earlier tonight my mom and I went to Costco. Now that I'm broke again I am back to mooching off of my mother, so yeah, back to the story. First, we're stuck behind some Chinese (no, I am not referring to Sabrina) that was BLOCKING AN ENTIRE COSTCO AISLE (hard to do, I KNOW!) so I was like, WOW MOM - THEY CAN'T DRIVE A CAR, NOR CAN THEY DRIVE A CART! Then she told me to shut up in Spanish so I said I DO NOT SPEAK MEXICAN... Which of course, pisses off my "I am above all other Spanish speakers out there" Cuban mother.

Then we're at the check out line and for some fucking ungodly reason she has drawings of naked body parts on the back of her checks. Clearly my dad was drunk and bored at a dinner. So I was like HEY MOM, I LOVE THE SAGGY TITS AND SAGGY ASS PICTURE ON THE BACK OF YOUR CHECK. My mom is quick to defend and say THAT IS NOT A DOODLE OF BODY PARTS. So of course the guy at the check out HAD TO LOOK and he's like, "Sorry ma'am, that does look like female's body." So I say, MUST BE YOU, CHECK OUT THOSE SAGGY TITS AND ASS. And she's like EXCUSE ME I GOT A BREAST LIFT THOSE ARE NOT MINE. Then she gets all pissed off at my dad for drawing embarrassing things on her checks. Then it was another "shut up, you fucking idiot" in Spanish episode.

So, Costco has these fatso women that hang out at the door and are supposed to tag your receipt after checking your items. Normally, they just tag it and BARELY look. Today, we happened to get some fat Lupe Maria Gonzalez that wanted to CHECK EVERYTHING WE HAD. So, as she finally finishes she looks at my mom and says WELL I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR ROMA TOMATOES.

So, I say to my mom, WOW MOM, I GUESS I AM GLAD I DID NOT ASK FOR A BOX OF 500 ULTRA THIN TROJAN CONDOMS, BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN REALLY AWESOME IF SHE TOLD ME TO GO ENJOY MY CONDOMS. I WOULD HAVE SAID, YES, TONIGHT I PLAN ON USING THE WHOLE BOX, AND MAYBE COMING BACK TO BUY SOME MORE. I AM ON FUCKING THE ENTIRE CONEJO VALLEY.

For now I will just sit on my ass and be a fat Cuban and eat my pot of black beans I made for myself. CUBA LIBRE!