I'll never be her.

Sometimes I get wrapped up in my brain and pause on certain moments in time; those moments are still images that I can't burn without leaving a silhouette of a memory that is there to haunt me.

This blog drives me crazy. I never know what direction I want to take it. I find myself wanting to post very personal things on here and I don't because I feel like I have this tough, 'i don't give a shit' persona that only exists within me on occasion but always on this blog. It's not that I'm afraid of being vulnerable, it's just I always find myself blogging in those moments where I'm feeling sky-high and shove my low moments to the wayside. Then, of course, in those moments where I'm not feeling my very best I turn to my blog to write and find myself with no direction or course to take those moments. Those moments borderline don't make sense and certainly don't fit within this blog. I suppose when one loses direction in a blog, it becomes nothing more than a diary. My blog is without focus, without purpose and without logic. I write because I want to write. I guess that's it.

I'm in one of those moods where I'm being an absolutely stupid and stereotypical girl where I'm looking in the mirror and thinking I'll never be good enough. I'll never be her - if you know what I mean. The one that got away, the one that meant the most, the one that is actually the one. You know, her. The one whose name you default to in your sleep. her. that one. the one that isn't me. the one i'll never be.

It's funny how much a couple of drinks can make you think - and it's funny how much that thinking can effect so much in such a short period of time. I hate it. I hate thinking. Sometimes when I'm losing my mind and I'm not remembering words or things I just did, I get happy knowing I'm losing my god damn mind. It's like finally, my brain is letting go, and then I find myself rethinking all the things I didn't want to, all the things I wanted to let go, all the things I wanted to forget about forever. Suddenly here I am, reliving it all over again.

I am so bothered by so much in this world. I'm bothered by people's actions - and lack of actions. I'm bothered that I can't come to terms with certain things and I'm bothered that I have to. I'm bothered, just in general at this point.

I have such an incredible life, and don't get me wrong - not even for a second - I am a very lucky and fortunate person. In this world of bullshit, I have it easy. I have it easier than 99.99999% of this world. I have it all. If you write it down, I have everything a girl could wish for.

So what's missing? And why do I feel so empty?