For Halloween, I decided to get creative and not be the stereotypical "sexy-something" that all girls feel like they need to be for Halloween. Sorry to all the women out there who feel the need to look as cheap as their costumes, but quite frankly, I'm just not into that.
So for my friend's party on Saturday I dressed as a mime. A very unsexy, very creepy mime. But that mime costume is not as fucking awesome as my dirty 90's-era hoodrat/chola that I was for Halloween night. What's sad is that I felt like I had to explain to a million people that I was not a fucking drag queen but a 90's era chola. While I get that the new-skool cholas ( 'newskool' is spelled with a k when saying that, right?) are attempting to look like poor LA hipsters distinguishable only be a twinge more makeup and gigantic gold hoop earrings, the 90's cholas were borderline drag queens and THAT'S what I grew up with.
Believe it or not, at one point in time I didn't live in a rich LA suburb. At one point in time my parents had very little money, both worked two jobs to send me to private schools to keep me out of the gang ridden schools. At one point in time I lived in a neighborhood where people barely spoke English (or Spanish for that matter), where welfare checks were spent on terribly long nails and cheap make up. Within this neighborhood were tons of gangbanger-vato-whatever don't look at him because he might shoot you people --- and a bunch of hood rats that all looked like drag queens. I feel sorta bad in some ways for my sheltered friends, because they didn't get to see those drag queens in flannel in all their glory like I did. What I did not do, which would have absolutely completed my outfit, was grease up my hair to make that wet curly look, but my hair would probably fall out if I put it through that sort of abuse.
I'm thinking next year I might go full blown drag queen. I mean, there's absolutely nothing sexy about a drag queen (sorry if that's your thing, but you clearly have sexuality issues you need to address). If not, I'm considering being the Cad Lady from The Simpsons. I'll borrow one of my grandma's old lady moomoos, put on a frazzled-hair wig, wear some furry sandals, carry around a trash bag and throw stuffed animal cats at people. If anyone has any suggestions for absolutely heinous costumes, let me know. I might need to have a "Half Way to Halloween" party sometime in the Spring and force everyone to come in costumes, just so I can dress up in something ridiculous and feel like the odd (w0)man out.
With that said, I hope everyone had a nice Halloween and if you dressed like a completely whorey-something, that at a minimum, you at least had sex that night. If you dressed up like a dirty hoe and there was not a penis in or around you that night, then I suggest maybe reevaluate your wrong-doings. Goodnight.
So, about that move in October 1...
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