From everything to nothing.

The thing I hate the absolute most about the holidays is how I suddenly become overwhelmed with emotion and the need to give. Give, give, give. I suppose that's the point of the holidays, whether you're religious or not, to sit and reflect and think about how good your life is compared to others and how thankful you are. Maybe it's just me. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who feels this way. I feel like my facebook is filled with too many status updates of people who know someone who took his or her own life. I know it's that time of year for suicides. I know. I know people start feeling the loneliest, the most unloved, the most discarded this time of year. I felt that last year. Last year was the first time in 7 Christmases I was without my ex and we had just broken up a few weeks prior. That was the first time in years he wasn't by my side at the table. That was the first time in years I felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone, ever. I was down on myself and put a lot of blame on myself even though I shouldn't have. I felt terrible and ugly from the inside out. I probably posted here on my blog that I was okay or maybe that I was distracted or whatever. I wasn't. I cried a lot until that New Year came and I made a conscious effort to not do that to myself again. Before I felt the need to go run off and party, which was from the New Year forward, I cried a lot. I cried it out but I made it through. I had my mind focusing on all the good things in life to keep me from drinking, dabbling in drugs, or doing anything other than keeping sober until I was ready to be normal again. I know so many people who have gone through hard breakups and drink or go on drug binges until they're in the hospital. I just wish people wouldn't turn to those things and just focus. focus on the good. it is possible that I am too logical in that respect.

This season I've donated the most I ever have. I've gone through all my clothing and shoes and have filled two gigantic garbage bags full of things I don't wear or need, and nothing of any significant value for me to keep or even sell. Even nice shoes that are still relatively new and were once expensive --- they're going to meet a new home somewhere else to someone who will cherish them more than I could ever. I've donated to causes --- one of them being petsalive.com because I started crying when I went to the website. If there's one thing that really pushes my buttons and really overwhelms me, it's dog abuse. Not so much animals in general which sounds terrible. Of course it bugs me. The instant tears and hurt is specifically limited to dogs. Maybe because I've had dogs all my life, currently have 3 that essentially rule my life... But either way, if you're reading this, please give them a donation to their Help for Dead Dog Beach fund. Please.

Every year the building in which my mom works sets up a gigantic Christmas tree full of Santa's wishes. These wishes are composed of children, mostly under the age of 12, who live well below the poverty line and what their wishes are why. I was digging through the tree last year and one really struck out at me. Most of the kids wanted toys or something artistic or some sort of specific item of clothing because they can't afford it. One little girl, however, of only 8 years old wanted bath towels. BATH TOWELS. She wanted them because she didn't want to share wet towels anymore. That really made my heart sink to a place I didn't know existed. I took the wish off the tree and immediately went to Bed, Bath and Beyond and bought her towels. I bought her a whole set of purple towels, because she mentioned purple was her favorite color. I still think about the towels, because it's something so many of us take for granted. Something so simple, something of what most of us think of as a common household item without thinking twice. A bath towel. I'm glad I never met that little girl face to face and there was a drop off location. I probably would have started crying immediately and tried to adopt her one way or another.

Tomorrow I plan on going back to that tree and granting another wish. If any of you are in the area where I live, and presumably you know who I am and where I live and want to donate, I'll give you the address where you can find that tree.

I guess the bottom line to this post is to please get in the holiday spirit, whether you're religious or not, just to give back. Before you buy a pair of Louboutin heels or another Louis Vuitton purse, before you go on some outrageous shopping spree, give a little. If you have change walking out of a grocery store, give the man in front chiming that bell a little change, even if it's a penny. Give back. Give back something. Stop looking at giving back as a liberal versus conservative issue, or an immigrant versus american issue or any way where the government can be blamed. Just give to good causes, even if it's just a little bit. That's all.