Planes, Trains and Crapped-In Hanes.

If I could look at this photo and get excited, that would be fucking fabulous. Unfortunately for me - and for you that's reading this - you officially get to read my bullshit and irrational fear of flying. Look, I know it's a stupid fear. I know there are a million miles flown every day and that commercial planes RARELY go down but I cannot help the fact that I feel like the ONE time I'm in a plane is the ONE time it will go ka-boom mid-air, which I know is an even bigger rarity since planes usually fuck up and ka-boom on take-off or landing. It's not a control issue. It's not a height issue. It's OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO BLOW UP AND DIE IN A BALL OF FLAMES ISSUE. So, since I'm getting on a plane on February 27th and going on a FOURTEEN HOUR FLIGHT to Milan, I plan on masking my fear with drugs and alcohol. I think a lovely cocktail of xanax and vodka will do me in juuuuussssssssssttt right. If that doesn't work, then I guess I am screwed and I will just continue to drown myself in drugs and alcohol until I either overdose and die or just fall asleep in a puddle of my own drool and snot. I prefer the latter, because the key thing here is to NOT DIE on a plane. Wouldn't that be ironic... Dying on a plane of an overdose of anti-anxiety medication specifically given to me by my doctor to GET OVER MY FEAR OF KA-BOOMING 30,000 FEET UP.

So, all I can hope for is that I don't OD and that I don't ka-boom.

In other news, tonight was dumpling night. I made like 40-50 dumplings and my good friend Nate ate like... half of them. This is GREAT because my mom and I don't need to eat anymore dumplings - like ever - because we are fatsos and yeah, having someone there who needs to gain weight and will eat said mountainous amount of dumplings makes me happy. However, I am going to make my life a lot easier from now on. I'm going make my dough and roll it/cut it the night before and freeze it so I can just pull them out of the freezer an hour before hand and just stuff and fold. I also need to remind myself that I need to buy a fuck-ton (i don't know how to measure that in fluid ounces, but it's a lot) of BROWN rice vinegar. Now, if someone tells me one more time that rice vinegar and brown rice vinegar taste the same, or are the exact same thing, I will personally stick my foot up their vagina. And if a guy tells me this, I will cut off his penis, punch in a hole and stick my foot up his freshly cut-out vagina.

And since I'm officially sleep deprived because of the fact that I insist on living off 5-shot Americanos twice a day, I guess I'll attempt to sleep now. Oh, and this reminds me - I should probably get my heart checked since I'm sure it's going to stop working any second now. Or at least it probably will since everyone says to me, YOU DRINK TOO MUCH CAFFEINE, YOU WILL PROBABLY DIE FROM A HEART ATTACK B Y THE TIME YOU'RE 25. Well, I guess death by coffee is more suitable for my personality and for my own peace of coffined mind than ka-booming on a plane.

If you are reading this and think I have problems because of my fear of the inevitable, you are probably very correct. I just hope that when I do die, it's when I'm like a fuckin' 100 on my birthday and i overdose on saturated fats and caffeine and maybe a little bit of heroine or a cocktail of something fun. that'll be a good way to kick the bucket.