Maybe it's just better in theory.

There's a disoriented moth on my screen. I've flicked it several times and it refuses to find another light to perch on, and it also refuses to die. Irritating.

A number of months ago I started working in a different field of law - Estate Planning and Probate
 (hereinafter EPP as i'm too lazy to keep typing that shit). I'm not sure how Family Law isn't tied into this field because other than guardianship issues, it's pretty much all the same crap anyway. Now while I suppose a majority of EPP seems like paper pushing work, it's by far the most soul-sucking, heart-wrenching and downright dirty law I've worked in to date. Granted I've never personally worked in criminal, but I think that's fairly obvious: X person commits crime, X person sees trial, X person either serves time or doesn't. Fees typically attached.

Seriously though, I know humans by default are more greedy than giving. I understand the concept of wanting it all. I get that we want to have our cake and eat it too. For fuck's sake I'm an only child and I never learned to share and I don't think I ever will. So, I sorta get that mentality in a way. What blows my mind is how careless people can be with money that belongs to his or her deceased parents or other relative. How children can go from grieving to draining a million dollar account in a matter of minutes. How Trustees can commit breach of fiduciary duty against beneficiaries --- usually the trustee's own siblings or children. How sick can one be? How can one steal $400,000.00 from entitled siblings and refuse to pay it back? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS FUCKED UP WORLD? Brothers getting judgments against one another. Sisters will contesting over appropriated and gifted jewelry. Sons wanting to know when the estate can start distributing the cash gifts from said son's newly deceased mother. Seriously?

Worse, and by a long margin --- I sit and watch an elderly woman that is dying of a terminal illness get  her bank account cleaned out day by day by her Filipina caretaker. Blowing $8,000 on this dying woman's card this month like it's water. Nordstrom's shoes, $300+ lunches, Louis Vuitton purses, $30,000.00 loans and not paying on the promissory note, calling me and asking for her paycheck days in advance. The caretaker reeks of this vile perfume I'm fairly certain she bathes in. She comes in and leaves me with a stack of bills on my desk to pay for the client and my desk smells for the rest of the day. I'm left gagging every time. I've gotten to the point where I can't even fake a smile when I see her. Chipper and cheery? Fuck you, I wish YOU were the one that was dying, you scummy bitch. I see what a scummy piece of shit she is. Everyone sees it. Then I get phone calls from a crying client who tells me she's bedridden and the 'kids' (the caretaker and her husband) "really need her" and to go ahead and advance thousands of dollars for the "emergency oral surgeries" needed for their poor, poor family in the Philippines. As if out-right spending her money wasn't bad enough, but to lie and manipulate an innocent older woman that's just trying to help thinking it's TRULY NEEDED is BEYOND wrong. If the client's caretaker got hit by a mack truck and flattened like a pancake I would happy. Karma's a bitch, as they say.

I just don't understand it. I've been bad with my money in the past. I've been reckless with credit cards and I've not paid my bills on time. I spent my entire late teens and early 20s blowing money on horses and clothing like I was a millionaire. Damn, I sure looked it... But either way, I was careless with my own money, and careless with billion dollar company's credit lines. I'm sure they could give a damn. I've never hurt anyone directly with money. I used to steal $20 here and there from my mom when I was in my teens to go buy food, booze (ya-ya, whatever), or get my nails done. She knew it though and it was one of those things that went unmentioned because she didn't care. I've never taken even a penny from a stranger, much less a friend or a relative. I may not want to share my water, and I'll have a hard time actually sharing my true recipes without altering something, but for fuck's sake I'd never manipulate or just straight steal anything from anyone. Boggles my mind. I'm so sad for all the people out there who cash paper, hurt the ones they supposedly love and think that's the key to life.

On a separate note, I'm leaving for a quick vacation on Friday. It couldn't come at a better time. My job is hurting my heart too much.