My eyes are emerald green when i cry.

I wish this picture could actually capture the true color my eyes turn when I cry. A camera phone during the bright of day just won't cut it. This is an older picture --- after one of my many meltdowns I've had over the past ... well... I always have meltdowns. My eyes get swollen --- from below my lids to the tip of my eyebrows. My eyes turn so brilliantly green that they could be mistaken for precious stones. I can't hide it, nor do I try to. I just don't like explaining why.

Sometimes a girl needs a good cry. Sometimes those cries come at completely inappropriate times, or are triggered by innocent things, but sometimes they're just necessary. There's no other way around it.

I have an ambivalent relationship with crying. Every time I cry I learn something new. Every single tear represents something. Whether it's about myself, someone else, life, it doesn't matter. Every time I learn I hold it and I never let go. I could probably recite every lesson learned for each tear I've shed in my adult years. Despite the growth in every last drop I hate knowing that I've had to cry to learn. I hate crying in it of itself. It's an ugly process. I mean, who actually looks good while crying? Who feels good when they're crying? HAPPY TEARS DON'T COUNT BECAUSE THAT'S NOT REALLY CRYING. Crying is from being stressed, overwhelmed, sad, broken, a lot of things but happiness is not one of them.

I cried recently. Unfortunately I learned things that I didn't want to learn. Now I'm here --- on my blog --- and even here I don't want to talk about it. Pathetic.