Planes, Trains and Crapped-In Hanes.

If I could look at this photo and get excited, that would be fucking fabulous. Unfortunately for me - and for you that's reading this - you officially get to read my bullshit and irrational fear of flying. Look, I know it's a stupid fear. I know there are a million miles flown every day and that commercial planes RARELY go down but I cannot help the fact that I feel like the ONE time I'm in a plane is the ONE time it will go ka-boom mid-air, which I know is an even bigger rarity since planes usually fuck up and ka-boom on take-off or landing. It's not a control issue. It's not a height issue. It's OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO BLOW UP AND DIE IN A BALL OF FLAMES ISSUE. So, since I'm getting on a plane on February 27th and going on a FOURTEEN HOUR FLIGHT to Milan, I plan on masking my fear with drugs and alcohol. I think a lovely cocktail of xanax and vodka will do me in juuuuussssssssssttt right. If that doesn't work, then I guess I am screwed and I will just continue to drown myself in drugs and alcohol until I either overdose and die or just fall asleep in a puddle of my own drool and snot. I prefer the latter, because the key thing here is to NOT DIE on a plane. Wouldn't that be ironic... Dying on a plane of an overdose of anti-anxiety medication specifically given to me by my doctor to GET OVER MY FEAR OF KA-BOOMING 30,000 FEET UP.

So, all I can hope for is that I don't OD and that I don't ka-boom.

In other news, tonight was dumpling night. I made like 40-50 dumplings and my good friend Nate ate like... half of them. This is GREAT because my mom and I don't need to eat anymore dumplings - like ever - because we are fatsos and yeah, having someone there who needs to gain weight and will eat said mountainous amount of dumplings makes me happy. However, I am going to make my life a lot easier from now on. I'm going make my dough and roll it/cut it the night before and freeze it so I can just pull them out of the freezer an hour before hand and just stuff and fold. I also need to remind myself that I need to buy a fuck-ton (i don't know how to measure that in fluid ounces, but it's a lot) of BROWN rice vinegar. Now, if someone tells me one more time that rice vinegar and brown rice vinegar taste the same, or are the exact same thing, I will personally stick my foot up their vagina. And if a guy tells me this, I will cut off his penis, punch in a hole and stick my foot up his freshly cut-out vagina.

And since I'm officially sleep deprived because of the fact that I insist on living off 5-shot Americanos twice a day, I guess I'll attempt to sleep now. Oh, and this reminds me - I should probably get my heart checked since I'm sure it's going to stop working any second now. Or at least it probably will since everyone says to me, YOU DRINK TOO MUCH CAFFEINE, YOU WILL PROBABLY DIE FROM A HEART ATTACK B Y THE TIME YOU'RE 25. Well, I guess death by coffee is more suitable for my personality and for my own peace of coffined mind than ka-booming on a plane.

If you are reading this and think I have problems because of my fear of the inevitable, you are probably very correct. I just hope that when I do die, it's when I'm like a fuckin' 100 on my birthday and i overdose on saturated fats and caffeine and maybe a little bit of heroine or a cocktail of something fun. that'll be a good way to kick the bucket.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans.

Look, let's get to the facts. I'm not a film critic. By no means should I be writing anything about films because I'm clearly not creative or deep enough to think beyond what's put in front of me on the big screen. As you're reading this, just know that I am a die-hard fan of the Underworld movies and there's nothing in the world you can say to change my mind about how I feel about this movie.

Before I ramble on, if you did not grow up loving all the stories there are out there of the ancient feud between vampires and lycans [werewolves... duh], then don't bother reading the rest of it. Skip the movie, save yourself $12.00 and go see something that either makes you cry or pee yourself.

If you do want to see this movie, but have not seen the first two, get on Netflix and order yourself BOTH films. DO NOT see this movie without watching the first two. You will be lost within the first 5 minutes and there's no hope of getting up to speed with the film as you're watching it. It's only worth it if you're insanely attracted to Rhona Mitra or Michael Sheen... Or Bill Nighy, but that's a stretch to even think someone out there would want to bang that old man. Vampires would REALLY need to be your thing in that case.

If you're a true die-hard fan of the previous two films, then this one will top them all. I've read some reviews online by "die-hard fans" and they're bitching about Selene (Kate Beckinsale) and Michael (Scott Speedman) not being in the film. There's also bitching and complaining about how it's not scary enough, it's not bloody enough, it's low-budget, blah blah blah. I'm just starting to think people are waiting for Roger Ebert to croak in hope of a potential job.

What I'm saying is: If you're a "die-hard fan" and DO NOT like this film, you need to get your brain checked. You might have received a lobotomy or you're dying of the cancer. Maybe you pulled a Homer Simpson and there's and stuck a crayon in your nose, lodged it in your brain and have with time, grew up to be a true idiot. So, just so you all know: THERE IS NO ROOM IN THIS FILM FOR MICHAEL OR SELENE, GET OVER IT. THIS IS A PREQUEL. IF YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, DICTIONARY.COM IS READILY AVAILABLE AT ALL TIMES. If I see one more review bitching about the lack of the two I will personally fire you from your job. And if you think I can't do that, think again. I'll remove all your fingers and cut your tongue off. You'll be unable to speak or type and that's all I care about. Hence, I fired you.

So now that you understand what I'm trying to say - this movie is absolutely awesome. I only have a couple of complaints.

1) It was too short. Way too short. 90 something minutes to pack in all the information given in the first two just didn't cut it, and some of it was left out. Fourth installment, perhaps? I believe so.

2) The lack of Amelia's character or even any mention of her. I figure because she's one of the elders that she would have had a role in this film. However, since Viktor was awake - I'm under the assumption that she is sleeping... But they didn't mention her and they did mention Marcus. So, double-u/tee/eff to that one.

Otherwise, the love story between Lucian and Sonja is exactly like any fan would have imagined. They snuck around to see each other and blah blah. Sonja got caught by Viktor and then she got burned at the stake just like it was mentioned in the previous movie. What I didn't expect was Lucian's birth in the beginning - and further, his role in the vampire's coven. I also didn't expect to be Sonja to be the wild child that she is in the film, but I guess it makes sense seeing that she betrays Viktor with a slave. You know, I think I'd watch this film over and over again just on the hotness that is the sex scene between the two. It's one of those sex scenes where you're like WOW, THAT IS SOMETHING I HAVE NOT DONE - AND THAT I WANT TO DO - NOW HOW DO I ACCOMPLISH THAT WITHOUT DYING? Without giving it away, just know that it would take an extremely brave couple to pull that off. I think I might be that brave in my near future. ;) Tannis' character is exactly as you would expect, a very sly, greedy and manipulative character. His actions in this movie explain why he previously was conspiring with the lycans and why he had them to protect him before Michael killed them in the last film. I'm glad he was an important supporting character in this film, because in the last one I wanted to know where his role tied in to all of it.

Overall, it's just awesome to finally know what happened between the vampires and the lycans and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'm assuming the fourth installment will be when Amelia awakens to the mess that Viktor left, and she will be left to attempt to rebuild the coven... Or that, from the ending (which I think the very last .15 seconds of the movie was TERRIBLE because Len Wiseman and the others will need to re-write the script in order to make another prequel to the first two), it will continue on with the story of Selene and Michael fighting against both the lycans and the vampires. I'm hoping for the first, I want to see more of Amelia's role since I think in total she's only had 3 minutes of movie-time and Lucian is my absolute favorite character, so more of him is always a plus.

Go watch the first two films then go see it. If you're too lazy to watch the first two, just know that Rhona Mitra (Sonja) is extremely hot. Go see it just to see her hot ass.

31 is a measly number.

Okay, so it's been a million fucking years since I wrote anything on my blog. I wrote some shit back in November when Dom and I broke up and that I'd be writing more to get over my break up and blah blah but I guess none of that is necessary anymore. I'm happy now. And that's all I need to say.