The problem with having a really terrible sleeping disorder is when I DO fall asleep - a deep sleep - it tends to be at some sporadic, completely unnecessary hour that gets in the way of living like a decent human being.
For the past month or so I've been sans caffeine. I've made a conscious effort to really rid myself of caffeine in another attempt to cure my sleeping disorders. As it turns out, I stay up even LATER without the caffeine, which in turn means I sleep less. Somehow I've been making it through my work days without caffeine in my system and I'm not fucking up things as badly as I thought I would have. However, because I don't have that immediate caffeine high in the morning that pretty much sets the pace for my day, I just get stuck in this repetitive cycle of not making my brain tired enough to sleep. See, although I work out regularly, it only makes my body tired. I can lay in my bed sore and tired but working out doesn't stimulate my brain enough. Caffeine, on the other hand, stimulates my brain to the point where I often times overexert myself, thus leading to some sort of mini-anxiety attack. At least by the time I wind down, my brain wants to nap. For now and without caffeine, I'll try to read something boring then my nerdiness kicks in I get entirely too involved in what I'm reading and I find myself up until who knows what ungodly hour and then I have to force myself to try to rest so I can wake up just a few hours later.
For example, last night I was unable to fall asleep until almost 5 am. No particular reason why. I was just up being a creep like usual. When I finally fell asleep, I woke up around 7:30 thinking I was late for work. I had an additional hour to sleep in, so I closed my eyes and took myself to sleepy land. An hour and 10 minutes later, I almost had to take a spatula and peel myself off my frying pan of a bed. I walked into work 5 minutes later than I should have this morning. I proceeded to walk about like a vagabond all day, lost in the mundane world of law and lack of reasoning. The good thing about having a cloud for a brain when I'm in this state is that I can transport myself to this quixotic state of mind. I now have the ability to listen to music all day at my desk, and with the aid of Saralee, I banished my brain to Finland while I worked on some powerpoint project that made me want to stab my eyes out. After I came home, I made myself a very delicious dinner of sushi-grade tuna with
cucumber, avocado, red onions and pickled ginger. I made one for my mom as well and not my dad because he hates fish. He then proceeded to complain about how I didn't make him dinner so I made him a roll of sushi - he ate a few pieces and grossed out of the thought of eating raw fish. He makes absolutely zero sense to me. We often call my dad a bear but a bear would happily eat raw fish. My dad's like Yogi Bear and only eats crap from picnic baskets. My mom and I made fun of him purely based on that he thought tuna was too strong of a flavor and that he'd prefer to go to McDonalds. My poor dad, he has absolutely no palate. Getting back to my point, after dinner I went to my room to change and later take care of a few things I needed to take care of. I later woke up around 11 pm, with two dogs in my bed and I still had my shoes on. I don't remember falling asleep and I vaguely remember laying down. I guess when brain shuts down, it shuts down for the night and I have zero control over it.
Once again, I'm up at some ungodly hour when a majority of the people on Pacific time are asleep and are only a couple hours short of waking up. Bad sleeping habits are going to be the death of me, but hopefully not until I'm a million years old and completely out of my mind. For now, I'm just partially out of my mind. I will leave you with my ugly mug at 4:00 am. Adios.
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