I guess I'm long over-due.

I haven't updated in a while. It's probably because my life isn't really all that interesting as of lately. I've noticed I've been gaining weight some how, some way - although I've been eating all the right foods, working out and doing all that shit. I think right now I'm in a transitional stage. I think right now I'm GAINING muscle and slowly losing fat. My measurements have stayed about the same from when I initially lost a bunch of weight, however, I've seen major impacts on my legs, arms and stomach when it comes to seeing muscle. It's there. It's coming along. My ass is getting bigger... I think because I will NEVER burn the fat on my ass and the muscle I'm gaining is just making it larger and larger. Whatever. I'm working towards my goal and that's all that matters. I can't expect to be SuPeR HoTtT over night. I'm still thinking an at home liposuction kit would be fucking great though.

Anyway.

So I have gone swimming the past two days in a row. It's strange because I haven't gone swimming in YEARS. I mean. I think the last time I went swimming I was somewhere around the age of 16. I figure I should probably swim at least 3 days a week, run 3 days a week and add in some other cardio and resistance training in there somewhere.

In other news, I got rear ended today. Some fucking idiot decided to try to squeeze his car between the little gap of my truck and the center island on Thousand Oaks Blvd. I mean, what a fucking tool bag. He was so impatient he couldn't wait for a green light so he could turn left, he had to try to attempt to squeeze in his stupid fuck little car to get into a left turning lane. GOD. What a tool. Whatever, my dad called him Osama Bin Laden when he came to give me the information I didn't have. Apparently the officer thought it was FUCKING HILARIOUS and I'm also happy that I had my pinche Karepack Katie and my pinche "Bye Pooter" Michele with me. Michele flashing her tits to the officer made me almost pee my pants. I think Katie DID pee her pants. She has a habit of peeing in my truck so it's all possible.

And I have to get my lazy ass up to work tomorrow and uh, I don't want to.

I'll update more. I promise.

It's 8:16 a.m. will you wake up to me...

I don't think I've made a 311 reference in years. I feel like it's 8:16 am although it's shortly before 3 am. My brain usually starts crashing around this time, picks up again around 6:30 a.m., then finally crashes for at least 14 hours around 8:30 am if I'm playing those games with myself. Sometimes I wish I had a sleeping pill addiction. Fuck, I wish I could take *a* sleeping pill without giving myself an anxiety attack. I guess that's what happens when paranoia set in when I was around age 16.

Anyway, it's always around this time when my lack of brain functionality sets in, this is when I find myself rambling about shit that doesn't make sense. When I re-read this, it will also not make sense to me.

I'm also highly irritable around this hour and I sort of wish everyone bothering me at this hour would drop dead for at least 10 hours, enough for me to regain my mental strength to deal with such nonsense and for me to not be such a haggard bitch. I need room to stretch my internet fingers. Fuck off.

I guess I should start off with the "I'm pregnant" April Fool's joke. I told my wonderful boyfriend I was pregnant for April Fool's (duh, like you couldn't see I was going there), and I thought he was going to flip his shit. Not only did he believe me (because my period comes right before the 1st of the month normally) but he literally flipped his lid. This is when I was like HEY COCK FACE, WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 5 YEARS, MAN UP ASSHOLE. Then after the possibility of a baby Dom kicked in, he sort of smiled and said it would be cute. Creepily, we started talking about whether it would be a boy or a girl and their baby names. It was freaky watching him bounce between emotions of "yay" and "oh fuck." I felt like an asshole for letting it drag on... At least I was laughing inside.

What's worse about it is that my period really was late. I knew why - and I wasn't worried. I know my body well enough, I guess. I let it go on for a couple of hours before I told him. I thought he was going to punch me... But then he didn't "sleep all night" because he was worried I really was pregnant. Well, the good news is that I am not with child. The bad news is that I fucked up my body from being good on my diet and working out for 2 months, splurging for about a week and a half, then getting back to it really fucked up my 30-day precise clock. I PMSed for two weeks - TWO WEEKS - where I feel like a terrible bitch and then my period was almost 5 days late.

Whatever.

Maybe since I was already graphic enough I should probably pull out my bloody tampon and take a picture of it. Only then I could get to the level of disgustingly graphic I am trying to achieve.

The only children I need in my life for now are my pets. I know Sierra is still growing but I didn't expect my horse to be. I got a blanket out of my truck from last winter (YES, I CLEANED THE BED OF MY TRUCK!) that's an 82" - it fit her just fine. WELL NOW HER ENTIRE ASS IS STICKING OUT. She is a reflection of her mother... My ass is getting bigger, too. She has no excuse, at least I can blame it on my super awesome Cubanism.

Now I need to get an 86" because an 84" will simply not do. For the average person that needs to read "Horses for Dummies" out there - that means my horse is gigantic and the average horse wears something around 12 inches smaller. It's nearly impossible to find what i need. My horse is almost 7 years old now. WHEN WILL SHE STOP GROWING? Growing pains. Growing pains. GROWING PAIN IN MY ASS.

I guess I have nothing to really talk about. I could ramble about how the Earth is round but I guess we know that already. I could also ramble how I hate everyone and everything but we all know that, too. So what's the point?

But I do wish that I was sleeping in the sand somewhere warm right now. Call me Erika Henry - GIVE ME TROPICAL OR GIVE ME DEATH.